Monday, December 10, 2012

Packing

It's a strange thing to separate everything we own into boxes. 
This goes with the movers now, this goes later, this stays in America, this goes in garage sale pile, this is not even fit for a garage sale.
Every toy, towel, basket (I seem to have a LOT of those?!?), and clothing item is worthy of discussion and thought into a decision. I have lists and labeled piles and lists of my piles (literally).
I've never been more organized....and yet I feel completely lost and unprepared. 
I have absolutely no idea if what I'm taking/leaving is appropriate. What will I wish I had? What will I never use? People have given advice and it's all over the place. "take only necessities", "buy things you can take and leave there", "bring whatever makes it feel like home". I'm doing a little of each I guess. It's a stab in the dark.
I keep reminding myself it's all just "stuff". It's all so minuscule in the long run and while today I agonize over how many coffee mugs to take, it really doesn't matter. 
What matters is our family. Getting the boys settled and comfortable, finding our place. 
I've done a lot of deferred gratification in my life and frankly, I'm kind of done with that. I'm done with the "I can do anything for 2 years" mentality. I'm done crossing days off the calendar and counting down. I'm done planning for the next step and missing where I am. 
So I'm really trying to go into this opportunity whole-heartedly. I want to enjoy every second and make the most of a time in my life that I will never have again. I want to be in the moment, not waiting for it to be over. 
So while packing may be chaotic and I right now I want nothing more than just to be there already and have this behind us, I will not let this time or any just pass me by. 
I will enjoy my friends, Christmas, my job, my family. I can't put those things in boxes. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Random pneumonia thoughts

Lots of time today to think....just laying, trying to let my body heal from this bug, and thinking. I've been trying to avoid that quite a hit lately. It's easier to focus on the details and getting things done. But nonetheless I was stuck so....some (pretty random) thoughts.
Thinking about leaving here, thinking about starting there. Little things are hitting me---

Things I'm going to miss (obviously the big things--our family, Juana, my job, our friends and neighbors, the boys' schools, etc). But also...

1. Juana's homemade soup 
2. Houston Dynamo soccer games
3. My favorite run  down to and around the lake 
4. Indian food Thursdays at the hospital
5. Hide & seek in the cul de sac
6. Morning Commiserating and tea breaks  with my girls in the ICU
7. Hawaii 5-0 and Surivor nights on the couch with a DQ blizzard
8. Losing myself in Community of Faith service music
9. Boys' sleepovers with our neighbors & their best friends
10. Guacamole...and tortillas...and ...and queso...especially from El Ranchito #2
11. Jazzercising my Mexican food away
12. Watching the boys climb trees and pee in the woods and collect bugs at soccer practice
13. Hospital nurses who know me so well they don't have to call
14. Making fun of my awesome pregnant partner and watching baby boy make his entrance to the world
15. Surprise McDonald's lunches with the boys at school
16. Summer afternoons in the backyard pool
17. Buc-ees

Things I won't miss (not as long but still)

1. 100plus degree summer heat
2. 4:30pm ER admits that keep me from heading home
3. The bus stop (not the company of course, just the chaos)
4. Weekend rounds 
5. Youth soccer coach and team selection drama
6. Dr. Oz and Meet the Press and most US media really
7. A few hospital nurses that call multiple times with unimportant questions
8. Houston traffic (not that I deal with it much)

Things I'm looking forward to

1. Watching the boys snowboard
2. Spending my days with Owen
3. Traveling by train across Europe
4. Micah being home before 6pm
5. Learning to cross country ski
6. European soccer-watching professionals and watching Barrett
7. Fireplaces we can really use

Things I'm nervous about

1. Snow and cold
2. Grocery shopping 
3. Learning to speak Norwegian
4. Finding friends without working
5. Driving in the snow 
6. 13 hour flights with 3 young boys

More to come I'm sure but that's my productivity for the day

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Finding me

Who am I?
Getting ready for this big move, I've got my personal struggles. 
Of course I'm concerned and dealing with the boys adjusting, education, logistics, moving away from family, changing so many plans, etc.

But then there's me. I'm moving away from my job-my career. Working as a typical physician is not a likely option in Norway so I'm taking some time to get there, get settled, and figure out what my options are.

But there in lies my problem. I am
a doctor. That's what I do. That's what I'm good at. That's me. Who am I without the "doctor" in superdoctormom?

Since I was 18 being a physician has been a huge part of my life. Through college, medical school, residency, and jobs it has been a focus. I have always worked hard.  I have juggled call nights and holidays working and paperwork and patient phone calls---I am having a hard time seeing myself without those things. 

I am realizing that I have used my job as a crutch in a way. Its been the reason I don't have time for things (volunteering at the boys' schools more)  or I'm not good at things (cooking). What if I'm not a good wife/mom when you take away the job? Is what's left somebody I like?

That's what I have to figure out and honestly its a little scary. Redefining myself. 

I'm not sure where to start but I better get going. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Leap of faith

Life changes. 
I am a goal setter, queen of deferred gratification, an admitted control freak. I plan and make lists and and make plans about the lists I will make. 
I do well with a syllabus, an agenda. That's my comfort zone. 
So what happens when life throws you a curve ball?
I'm lost.
I'm scared. 
I  feel out of control.
In a time when some huge changes lie ahead, I'm really trying to take this opportunity to constantly remind myself and teach my kids these important lessons. Maybe if I keep focusing on them enough, they'll stick.
1. Life changes. That never goes away. Nothing is constant except God. 
2. The only thing I can control are my actions and reactions to the situation-if I'm sad or angry or anxious, it's because that's what I'm choosing.
3. Every change is a learning opportunity. I grow and become stronger with every experience. Leaving my comfort zone is a good thing.
4. Change has historically been good for me. Friends and experiences I've gained through changes that I wasn't  so sure about are some of my very favorites.
5. Feelings are not fact-they are fleeting. A bad day can easily become overwhelming in the moment but that shouldn't define the situation as a whole.
6. I've done this before - successfully. I can look back at points that were overwhelming and seemingly insurmountable and I'm still here. It wasn't always easy or pretty but I made it.
7. I'll do this again. Kids grow and leave home, jobs change, families change. I can't stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not there. 
8. My priorities ARE in my control and are not ever changing: God, Micah, my boys.
9.More specifically, home is where we are together. Everything else is really just details.
10. This is Gods plan. I don't understand it all or see it all clearly but He does. 
I had a big "God moment" this week in Paris. We were in the amazing church of Notre Dame on a rainy day.  I was spending time alone in a quiet corner in front of one of the beautiful stained glass windows. I was taking in the moment, the history, thinking about all the people that had worshipped there over centuries. I started praying and asked God to find me in that moment-in Paris, in the rain, in front of that window. No kidding, a big ray of sun lit that window up exactly then and then faded back into the dark clouds. I'm sure you could call in coincidence or crazy  but I call it faith. God heard me. He's with me, even when I'm lost.

It's a leap of faith .......
Here we go!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Giving up

I find it so amazing that just in the moments that I get wrapped up in myself, God gives me an obvious reminder to remember my priorities and purpose. 
I throw a heck of a pity party, if I do say so myself. I am really good at getting worked up and stressed and anxious and overwhelmed. I don't sleep, I don't eat, the panic attacks start, it's an effort to function.
I pray and I tell God I give it to Him, I can't do it alone.....but not all of me believes that.
 I hate to say that. I really WANT to let it go, but I don't. I would say I cant but honestly thats my choice.  I still hold on to just enough to keep control. I still pour over pro/con lists in depth and research for hours without asking Him for direction. I get wrapped up and then, just to make it even more overwhelming, I focus on my stress and how I am dealing with. I break myself.
And when I KNOW I can't possibly handle anymore, God gives me more. I've reached my end, and He says yes, you have, let it go, now you have no choice.
He turns me from details and worldly problems to Him, who I am, and my family. 
Today, He told me my boys needed me. He told me to I'm letting myself be consumed by unimportant things and to get over it. My boys need me. I need to listen and focus and love. 
I give it up. I give it up to Him.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Pig Pen

Not long ago I had a patient tell me I reminded him of Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. Offensive, right? Until he explained-he had seen me in the grocery store with all of my boys. He said I was forging straight ahead and focused on throwing things in the cart while they were all running and talking in chaos all around me. Yep, that was definitely me.

In the last 2 weeks these are actual true stories from our house:
-Watched my  3 year old carry a dog toy around in his mouth while wearing "puppy paws" (my shoes) on his hands and barking.
-Told my 7 year old "do not put that cricket in your mouth"-and had to say it more than once.
-Grounded my 9 year old after he took his (my old) iPhone to school after being told it stays at home.
-Had a long conversation with all 3 about whether a tree would grow in your stomach if you swallowed an acorn. For the record, I'm not sure I buy the theory that you can get sunlight into your stomach by yawning.
-Watched my very proud 3 year old pull down his pants and pee in the driveway---and didn't correct him. That's a potty training win!
-Found a note my 7 year old wrote that says "I will not play kung fu at recess" 20 times. When asked, he told me he hadn't gotten in trouble, he had just written it all down for "when he needed it".
-Argued with my 9 year old that soccer shorts and a hoodie do not constitute "cold weather clothes" even if you plan run in place constantly to keep warm.

Such is my life right now. 

Sometimes it drives me crazy. Sometimes it exhausts me.
Sometimes I have been known to call a "mommy timeout" and head to the closet for a quick moment to breath and pray. 
And sometimes, when I stop long enough to actually be in and take in the moment,I love it.

These boys are worth the craziness.

I. Am. Blessed.



Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Be a good patient, from a doctor's perspective

I spend my work days in the hospital seeing patients. Nobody plans to be a patient. Nobody knows what to expect until you've been there yourself. This is my advice for making the most of a bad situation, take it or leave it

1. Tell your doctor everything. Really. That little part about how this has happened 10 times before but you never worried about  it-that matters.

2. Please remember you are not in a hotel. Don't focus complaining about the food or being woken up or the tv channel selections. It goes on the list of irrelevant information.  Focus on getting better.

3. Be your own advocate. Your thoughts, previous experiences, and gut feelings will effect the picture. So please share.

4. Don't ask me "what time.....?" about anything and expect anything more than a guess.  Little known fact-doctors have little to nothing to do with what time your test is done, when you are moved from the ER to a room, or even what time you'll see your specialist physician. Patience is a virtue.

5. That being said, if you are the head coach of your sons Little League team that leaves for the World Series on Tuesday, let me know (true story). I will do everything I can to help you get there.

6. If you suddenly inform the nurse at 11pm on a Saturday night that you haven't had your morphine and you need me to restart it right away, don't be surprised when I say no.(another true story)

7. Please don't ask me how old I am. My answer will be "old enough to be your doctor" (ok so maybe this one only applies to me)

8. Long allergy lists, while occasionally accurate, are a red flag in the medical world. You are allergic to allll but one specific narcotic? How do you know that so well?

9. Please fill in other family members about your condition yourself. Questions are welcome but repeating yourself from the beginning for every cousin and coworker and neighbor that stops by to visit is not.

10. Follow up, follow up, follow up. What happens in the hospital is most often a result/symptom of a bigger issue that will need to be worked on over time. Don't expect a miracle cure at the end of every hospitalization and don't be shocked if it happens again if you don't follow up with your physician in the office. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace a relationship with a physician who knows you well.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

That's not me

You know those moms who cut their children's sandwiches into cute little shapes? That's not me.

You know those moms who always calmly deal with temper tantrums and never raise their voice ? That's not me.

You know those moms who craft sweet, perfect, and updated homemade scrapbooks? That's not me.

You know those moms who plan meals a month in advance and have a freezer full of healthy thawable dinner options? That's not me.

You know those cool moms who let their kids and their friends be as loud as they want upstairs? That's not me.

You know those moms who never wish that it would rain on soccer practice day, just this once? That's not me.

You know those moms who never forget the camera or the sunscreen or the diapers? That's not me.

You know those moms who have the bedtime routine down and never have a 3 year old toddle down the stairs at least three times? That's not me.

You know that mom who has it all together? That's not me....and I don't know her.

You know those moms who might sometimes forget to sign the reading log or actually download the pictures off of the camera or turn on a movie so that maybe she can nap for 15 minutes or packs her kids prepackaged lunchables everyday or lets them fall asleep on the couch watching tv or lets her anger show or orders pizza for dinner? 

You know that mom who screws up sometimes and apologizes to her kids? 

That's me.

But you know those moms who never miss a game even when she's rushing from work and makes cookies together (from premade dough) and sings silly songs in the car and puts the lego man back together for the millionth time today and cheers so loud at soccer games she embarrasses her kids and brings McDonald's to share at school when he's having a bad day and plays Battleship and colors on the living room floor and snuggles watching Curious George every morning? 

And you know that mom who loves her kids with everything she has and keeps trying no matter how many times she gets it wrong? 

That's me.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Remembering


I admit it, the past few weeks I have gotten really caught up in the little things. I had some stressful days at work, our nanny was sick, I had arguments with the boys at the bus stop, I didn't have the time to go run that I wanted, our lawn has a big brown spot....the list goes on.  Each hurdle has felt like a mountain and I have been overwhelmed. I've let myself get really upset and made everything into a big deal. I think Micah thinks I might be going crazy. (yes, I cried out of frustration at the bus stop.)

And then tonight we went to church and walked in to a video of our mission trip on the screen as the worship team sang "We will remember , we will be grateful."

Seriously???? How does God know that's exactly what I needed today? 

The emotion that hits me is huge. I watch that video and am reminded of what really matters. 

How much time did I spend this week praying for little Brian and the orphans I cried to leave there? How much energy did I spend planning the La Carpio clinic project-making the vision God gave me there into a reality? How much did I remember?

Not so much. 

Tonight I looked back on some of my preliminary research I've done in my project planning and focused on the facts....

-80% of the world lives on less than $10/day
-13% of the world population lives in hunger
-10 million children die in world yearly-over 2/3 of those are due to hunger and preventable diseases
-the average Costa Rican income is $10,900/year, Nicaraguan  income is $2,800/year
-La Carpio is made up of 40,000 people-most of whom are illegal Nicarguan immigrants who have moved for the chance at a better life
-Over 60% of La Carpio residents live below the poverty line (as opposed to 22% of the national population)

Crazy......and humbling

Often I get so wrapped up in life and the things that mean so little (does it really matter if the dog dug up all the vegetable seeds I planted?) I forget to be grateful. I forget to count my blessings. I forget that even if everything I worry about was "perfect" I would still find something else to worry about.

My worries are nothing. I have never worried that my children won't have anything to eat-instead we debate over which restaurant to go to tonight. I have always had a roof over my head-yet we argue about how clean the boy's rooms are. I have never considered moving to another country to find a better job-instead we watch politicians accuse each other of being the downfall of America. I don't think about clean water as it comes out of my faucet or war in my backyard as we enjoy our pool or how to pay the bills as we plan our next vacation.

That all sounds really spoiled and I hate that. I just mean to point out that all of us have more than most. All of us are the "haves" even when we feel like the "have nots." It's too easy to forget.

It's time to stop living in my bubble and focus on what matters. I need to remember.

"and what does the Lord require of you? Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

P. S. Thank you, Mark Shook and Community of Faith for my wake up call today. 

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Self reflection

I had a really really hard week at work. I haven't  even been able to sit down and put it into words until now. Emotionally exhausting. Physically demanding. Feeling like the scape goat. Feeling burned out. Making me ask myself questions like "why did I ever go to medical school?" and more importantly "is this what I really want to do with the rest of my life?"

So self-reflection-here it goes....

Question #1. Why did I go to medical school? Well, that's what I was supposed to do, right? I thought about being a doctor from the time I was young. It was solidified as I went through school with good grades, study habits, preferences for math and science. Teachers, my parents-I felt like everyone supported my path. I did waiver a little in college and thought maybe medical research was my thing...until I spent a summer in a medical lab and absolutely hated it. I was back on track, the over achiever that I was. I imagined seeing patients over and over, seeing them grow, seeing their families and children. I imagined the relationships and trust that would develop. I wanted that connection. I imagined the ideal. 
Medical school essays and residency interviews are all about that. I  wrote about my first patient connection in medical school with a patient named Mr Cardenas in El Paso. He was an alcoholic with end stage liver disease that spoke very little english. I was a newbie sleep deprived student stuck on a surgery rotation in an army hospital. I was not only the only female in our group at the time but felt like the only one not wearing camouflage. I would go "check on" Mr. Cardenas on rounds and hide in his room. He would smile and pat my hand.

Similarly, my first connection with a patient in residency was a sweet lady with a very tough life named Beulah. Jeez, I loved that lady. My first week of residency, I went into her hospital room to round at 4am-again scared and tired-she asked me how my day was starting and I sat down on her hospital bed and cried my eyes out. Not exactly professional in retrospect, but our bond was formed. These people that I got to know and remember so vividly are the reasons I went to medical school. 

Question #2. Is this really what I want to do with my life? That's not an easy question. After all my training, I still would have said yes. Then I walked into my first practice - prepared to be there forever. It wasn't what I expected or wanted at all. Patients came in rushed. Nobody was happy to be at the doctor. They had already googled their symptoms and would tell me what they had, they just needed a prescription. My years of education felt like only a drive-through antibiotic signature. Then financially, I was pushed to see so many patients. I didn't have time to get to know people, I was always running behind and people were always perturbed. It was never enough. Then there was paperwork- insurance forms, pre authorization forms, disability forms, FMLA forms. It was never ending. I was depressed and discouraged.

Needless to say, I left that practice in search of my place. Long story longer, I ended up very haphazardly doing inpatient work- something I never thought I would do. I was really choosing call and weekends and unpredictable schedules? But it has been a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days and frustrations. But I have the intellectual diversity that I missed. I can spend time with a patient who needs it that day. And although my relationships are not often long lasting, the fact that I see people multiple days in a row gives me the chance to connect. I get to work with some really amazing nurses and specialist physicians that have become good friends. 

Most importantly though, and what I never could have seen coming, was that this change has given me the opportunity to meet the people and circumstances that led me to Costa Rica.

I am thankful and in awe that God planned the path that led me to where I am today. He gave me experiences of what not to do. He gave me strength enough to walk away without a plan B when it wasn't right. He gave me courage enough to try something new that I wasn't sure about. He gives me patience and faith to know that what is in store will happen in His time. 

His word is a "lamp to my feet and a light to my path" - Psalm 119:105. I don't have to see the end, only the next step. I don't have to know the answer to my question. I don't have to know if this is what I will do for the rest of my life. I only need to know that God wants me right here, right now. My hard days and exhaustion are important to His plan-I am going to need tomorrow what I am learning from today. The only forever I need to know is Him.

P.S. and you know what's crazy, I didn't even know that's where I would end up when I wrote all these thoughts out today.)

Friday, August 24, 2012

I refuse


I'm not usually a big song lyrics person, but these word pretty much sum  up where I am in my walk with God right now. I listen to this over and over....
Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and act like everyone's alright when I know they're not,
This world needs God but it's easier to stand and watch. I could pray a prayer and just move on like nothing's wrong,
But I refuse.
I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself
I could choose not to move
But I refuse
I can hear the least of these, crying out so desperately and I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God,

So if You say move, it's time for me to follow through and do what I was made to do and show them who You are,
I refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help
I refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well
I refuse to stay unchanged, to wait another day to die to myself
I refuse to make one more excuse
I refuse.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Let the chaos begin!

And so it begins...
Meet the teacher, school supplies, soccer practices, new preschool, the list feels never ending. Some days I feel like I need a secretary to coordinate everything for me and tell when to be where with who. And then try to fit in patients, paperwork, call, weekends rounding, Micah's travel schedule - I am exhausted and it's just starting! Summer is officially over and fall chaos has begun...

I begin to ask the question when I drive between soccer and gymnastics in rush hour traffic-is it worth it? Is it worth the 10 minute turn around time? Is is worth the stress that I still haven't finished my
documentation for the day? Is it worth the bags in the car that carry snacks, bug spray, equipment, changes of clothes-everything to survive should we happen to be trapped in the wilderness for days.

And always when I've made it down off my ledge the answer is yes. Extracurricular activities allow for  life experiences that are important for my boys. They get the chance to choose something, to work hard at it and be proud of their improvement and success. They get to be an individual. They learn to lose and fail and get back up again. They learn how to manage their time and how to share finite time with their brothers. They learn they are a part of a family who always supports and cheers for each other at every practice and every game. Most importantly they learn about themselves. Characteristics-strengths and weaknesses unique to them. For example, My oldest is a crazy hard worker-he gives 110% percent all the time. But he's really hard on himself when he  loses and takes it personally. My middle loves to try new skills and has no fear of failure. But he's not a great team player. These are attributes that will impact their life. They are learning how to handle learning who they are in a safe environment with our encouragement and guidance.

Now don't get me wrong, I am definitely a type A OCD personality but I refuse to let these "things" take over our family. I actually make a concerted effort  not to over schedule or commit (admittedly with varying results). My boys know they are allowed one extracurricular activity at a time. They know family
commitments come first, school second, activities third. They know they are expected to contribute to family responsibilities and help around the house to manage our time.

But the reality is that with 3 boys and a mom and dad that work, it adds up. It does. It's a lot. Most nights I go home and crash. Micah and I have to sync our schedules way in advance. We have to sometimes adjust call nights or work meetings to accommodate activities. 

But it works for our family. We eat together every night. We go to church together. We have dedicated family time together. We do life together. We enjoy it together and we enjoy each other. 

So as I sit at gymnastics typing this, I will remember that these are the times and memories that will never come again and cherish them...and smile all the way to the soccer field.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

"Ode to Micah" (sorta)

Ive been reading a new relationship book.
It's a (not so) secret hobby of mine to read self-help books. I have read more on parenting, marriage, and happiness than I could ever pass on. For some reason, I am fascinated with the vastly different points of view on the subjects. *disclaimer* Some of them out there are really really bad. You apparently need no knowledge or experience to write about how to raise boys to be happy, emotional stable men...in 5 minutes. They can tend to capitalize on unhappy people who are looking for a sure fix. 
But some of them offer really interesting insight if you are willing to read with an open mind (see: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother). So my current read on successful marriage suggests outlining clear and concrete reasons "why you love *your significant other*".
Easier said than done. I find it very difficult to put such strong feelings into words. Here's my start:
1. Micah has been my best friend for over 18 years now. He knows me like no one else and vice versa. That's worth more than I can explain.
2. He is always patient. With me, with the boys, with God.
3. He is willing to admit mistakes and make an effort. We learn and grow with each other instead of in spite of each other.
4. Micah has still never beat me at a handstand contest. (he refutes this fact, but statistics speak for themselve)
5. We wholeheartedly support each other constantly- schools, jobs, passions. He knows he always always has me in his corner. 
6. He is the most selfless person I've ever known. I constantly try to push him to put himself first. 
7. He humors me. He laughs at my bad jokes, singing, hair days, cooking-whew!
8. He has loved me at my best- graduating medical school, finding my mission work, being a mother. 
9. He has loved me at my worst- not ready to elaborate there, just take my word for it.
10. I have hair-brained ideas. "I quit my job", "lets adopt another boy", "I'm going to graduation." He never tells me how ridiculous my thoughts are or makes me justify them.
11. When it should have been over, he refused to walk away. We made a committment to each other that we will figure this world out together. 
12. Marriage is hard. Nobody tells you that. Sometimes, in fact, it really sucks. I couldn't and wouldn't do it with anyone else. Ever. No matter what. Ever. Really.  (Does that convey my thought?)
So that's my thoughts for now. More to come. 
I am reminded of a favorite phrase. In our bedroom, we have an engagement picture that was matted and signed by everyone at our wedding. My favorite signature is from Micah's college roommate
Brian who simply wrote "it was always going to happen." 
It was.
God planned it.
In spite of ourselves. 
We can't screw it up as long as we keep looking to Him.
Really, that's the only  self help advice anyone ever needs.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Know-it-all

According to him, my 9 year old knows everything. He is a self proclaimed expert on any subject at any time. Tallest building in the world? Easy, got it. Rules for obscure sport? Can give you the history and player stats as well. Weight of Jupiter every 32nd year when it aligns with Neptune? Off the top of his head answer.We joke with him about how his giant brain possibly fits in his head. He is nothing if not confident.
I remember being like that. I remember arguing with my second grade teacher about a hot air balloon that I was sure touched the sun. 
I remember going to medical school and having fellow students feel sure that they could diagnose and treat a patient better than a practicing physician.
I remember having my first child and 
(after past the shock of new motherhood) feeling sure I had it all figured out. I would never feed my kids McDonald's or stand for them
throwing that fit or expose them to any germs. 
The thing is, there is something to be said for confidence. Feeling sure of yourself allows for success. Life is full of knock downs and negativity so it's necessary to have  a self esteem that can handle it. 
But I realize that just when I think I know everything, everything changes. What I knew when I was a child seems silly. What I knew in my 20s seems naive. What I know now will be eclipsed as I live life.
The conflict arises when self awarded expertise takes importance over learning and opening up to new ideas and experiences. 
Pick any subject of passion-parenting, politics, (for me medicine)--and you will find people with tunnel vision. It's the "my way or the highway" thinking. " Look at the right way to do things and stop doing it so wrong." 
People forget to stop defending and start listening. We all have different strengths, different God given gifts. We aren't supposed to be experts or get it right all the time-we are meant to walk with God. Walk-implying moving forward, changing, not sitting in our same comfortable place. That walk necessitates learning-sometimes making mistakes, sometimes not knowing the answer, sometimes admitting we are wrong. 
So we keep  working with our children-walking the fine line between fostering their confidence and making them life long learners, open minded, big thinkers, and trying to lead by example. 
We continue on our walk and maybe we can learn as much from our 9 year old as we want him to learn from us.


Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Duck lesson

Part 1
I don't like ducks. I know that's weird but that's just how it is. Our hospital has a duck pond and I have to walk by a bunch of them every day going in. They quack and squawk and sit in the way in the middle of sidewalk.  I think there's one who waits for me just to be mean. 
Part 2
Today I had to tell a patient that he has cancer. He and his wife knew it was a possibility but now it's confirmed. We had a long conversation about the plan and what's next and his prognosis. We tried to address his worries about work  and money. And then-he caught he off guard. He told me bird watching is a hobby of his and he had spent the past week looking out at the beautiful pond and ducks. He asked if he could go by wheelchair out to enjoy the ducks.
Ducks....the same ones I spend every morning grumbling about. The same ones that I wish weren't there. The same ones I take for granted that I am able to walk by. 
It's all about perspective. What is bothersome to me is beautiful to someone else-at a time when he needs and deserves beauty and peace. 
Something to remember tomorrow morning as I pass the ducks.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Real worlds?

Back to the "real world" this week and hasn't exactly been easy. I don't know why I have that distinction in my head. I found myself talking to people about "in my real life" or thinking "when I get back to reality". My brain tends to try and separate my daily life, responsibilities and routine from the time I am able to spend in Costa Rica. Maybe it's just because it's different. I'm not driving and running errands and playing chauffeur and answering pages and filling out billing sheets and making dinner and .....the list is never ending. I run from first thing in the morning to the final minute I finally get to lay down and relax. That's the way it goes for most of us I think. Most days feel like a version of what I imagine an air force mission is like---parachutes? Now GO! GO! GO! GO! That definitely is an aspect of the differentiation. But maybe it's also because I choose to emotionally separate it. When I'm in Costa Rica I am more myself than anywhere else-no pretenses, no parameters. Back home, I tend to hold back. I'm not emotionally invested in every second and every patient. I'm more clinical, more structured, thinking about following guidelines and fitting into the mold. It's necessary. It's easier. But why? Costa Rica is just as much the real world. They are real people. Real obstacles. Real feelings. How do I integrate the compassion and joy I find there into HERE? I don't have the answer....I'm working on it. I'm working to find and share my passion with the patients that need it here, to share with my friends/colleagues the opportunities and experiences that are out there, and to help my kids understand their unique blessings and passion. It's not the easy road but I'm realizing it IS the necessary one. Its what God has asked of me and I can't ignore it anymore. "We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations." --Charles Swindoll

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Costa Rica Suprises

I came into this week of mission differently than last year.  Last year the idea sounded great in theory, but the follow-through scared me to death. What if it's not safe? I'll miss my boys. What if I am miserable the first day and then I'm stuck there for the week? What if I don't like the people in the group? Am I expected to sing  Kumbayah the whole time? What if I don't LIKE helping people? But then I got there and was so busy right away working that I didn't have time to think about my fears. The time flew. I laughed a lot and enjoyed the people. I cried a lot and made plans to return before I even left. I learned I am stronger than I thought. I was more emotionally affected than I thought.  God suprised me and blessed me because I was willing to take a step. It. Was. Life. Changing. So I began this trip with a different confidence and excitement. I know how it's going to go. I know how I'll feel.  Nothing will catch me off guard. But contrary to my expectations, God suprised me again. He blessed me because I put myself in a place to allow myself to focus only on Him. He's placed things on my heart that I didn't even know I longed for. I made a connection with a young boy that I've only felt with my own children. I was told he opened up to me unlike anyone before. We took pictures together, played, snuggled. God put us there together to make a difference in each other's lives. I have new thoughts and prayers for a life and happy home for a little boy that nobody wanted. I have a clear vision of a permanent clinic in La Carpio. The ability to provide ongoing care for the people trying to provide health and life for their families could be potentially life changing and is realistically doable. I have found a new arsenal of reliable and REAL friends. The people God placed on this trip are people I will continue to walk through life with.  They are ecclectic- a fellow working mom, a 17 year old soccer player, and 66 year old fiesty granny. They are the kind of people that I wouldn't have otherwise encountered but now that we've shared this experience, they are people I can be real with. That's priceless. And my husband-who suprised me with his enjoyment. Sharing these times is about US together-not our kids or jobs or the house. I remember that I not only love him but I LIKE him too. I am so proud of him. This time affects us individually but also makes our marriage stronger and makes us better parents.  So suprise!!! I have realized God is not even close to being finished with me yet. Every time I take control and plan and think I have it figured out, He will throw me a curve ball and open my eyes to more. So I will do my best to step back and allow what comes-He never disappoints. "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say " I used everything you gave me.""

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Rain forest Survivor

Our group spent the day today in Coronado-home to Excelencia Familar-the orphanage Community of Faith started and supports. It is home to 20 children - 10 boys and 10 girls - in 2 houses. We worked painting the inside of the houses today. I worked in the boys' house and soaked in laughing and talking with the boys. What I found crazy was that it was just like being at home. Kids are kids no matter the country. The oldest of the boys made himself scarce to avoid being pulled in to work. The preteen boys were eager to help paint and be a part of everything.  The youngest boys entertained themselves playing video games and making "chocolate milk" in a bucket outside filled with used paintbrushes.  We took a muddy and slippery hike/slide into the rainforest down to a creek. The boys led the way and had lots of fun taking us down what I'm sure was the most treacherous and difficult path. They laughed as we got muddy or ended up in the water. They held out hands and helped as we jumped over ravines. They bounced from rock to rock while we struggled with each step. It was such a fun experience and unbelievably beautiful. We ended the day with a soccer game  with them- and they even let Micah score a goal. It didn't matter that we didn't understand all of each others words. It didn't matter that these kids have terrible backgrounds and have had harder lives than we could ever imagine. It didn't matter that they live with 19 "siblings" and just met us today. We had fun together. We worked together. We played together. They are good people with big hearts and so much potential.  In the past I've heard the sad news stories, read the poverty statistics, seen the infomercials with the kids with the big sad eyes-but while devastating it seems so far removed. That happens somewhere else, to other people. But now I've had the opportunity to know these boys- to see they are just like my boys at home and they deserve the same dreams and prayers.  Today I depended on an 11 year old to keep me safe in the rain forest. Now I want to make sure he and all the Coronado boys can depend on me.  Oscar, Anthony, Jose, Juan Carlos, and Brian found a place in my heart today.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

If only Fred Flinstone was the answer

Another amazing busy busy clinic today! We have been able to provide medical care for 230 people! Awesome! Most of what we give the patients is vitamins, Tylenol, ibuprofen, and a few antibiotics and medicated creams -simple things but things El Carpio residents don't have the money for.  People come into the clinic  with a laundry list of complaints of headaches to fatigue and I offer them what I can. Mark (our pastor) likes to joke that our Flintstone children's vitamins can cure all-give a Fred for cough, a Wilma for gastritis, a Dino for back pain. And honestly that's true. Today 140 people waited to be seen for hours and most of them were essentially healthy. They look for reassurance, someone to listen, and medicine because it's available. If you don't have insurance, transportation, or money who wouldn't take advantage of a free clinic and medicines-who know when the next opportunity might be. There are the people who have an acute illness and we are in the right place at the right time-babies with fever, skin infections, cuts needing stitches. There are people who have chronic medical issues and know they need medicine but have no way to get it-high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, arthritis. But my heart breaks most for the ones I find who have a serious problem and I am helpless to do anything. Today I saw a family with 3 small children with hepatitis, another young guy with what I am positive was tuberculosis, and an older gentleman with oral cancer.  These are the ones a vitamin can't fix. So I try my best to educate them, stress  my recommendations, hug them and we pray for them. I try to find comfort in the fact that God is in La Carpio tonight and every day after I have to leave. My love and concern for these people is a drop in the bucket and God will continue to fill that day after day. And that is something all the Fred Flintstones in the world could never do.  God bless Juan, Nayelli, Luis, and all of families of La Carpio. I miss you already.

Monday, July 16, 2012

89 and counting...

Started our adventure last night with a trip to a pharmacy at 12am to pick up medications needed for the clinic. San Jose is an interesting city-especially in the middle of the night! This morning we arrived at La Carpio to set up. La Carpio is a neighborhood in San Jose made up of immigrants. The roads are dirt and uneven-undrivable. Houses are made from some concrete and mostly scrap metal pieces. Dogs and roosters wander freely around looking for scraps.  People have so little  yet they are a strong community together. You see 10 year olds taking care of younger siblings and young teenage moms taking care of nieces and nephews. It truly is a family.  Clinic kicked off and I saw 89 patients! Y'all, on a normal day at work I see 15-20. A super busy clinic day might be 40. It was C-RAZY!!!  Excitement included a tuberculosis diagnosis and a scalp laceration that I stitched (haven't done that in a while, but it's like riding a bicycle I guess-it all came back). The people, as always, were so welcoming. The kids especially love to give hugs and sit on my lap. I love how trusting and happy and unspoiled they are.  Now we are back at the hotel to clean up after lice, ringworm and a whole lotta "gripa" (congestion/cold) and then head to dinner. Our whole group here is a blessing and I especially love that Micah and I get to share this time together. It's unmatchable. I am exhausted but can't wait to get back there to do it again tomorrow. I may just send for my boys and never leave this place-it's my peace.  Hasta la manyana!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

To Costa Rica

Arriving in Costa Rica today for a week of mission, medicine and adventure. It's my favorite week all year.  Sometimes my job sucks. Healthcare in America sucks. I often struggle with  wanting to really listen and help people in the face of time constraints, financial strains, pressures from hospital administration and insurance companies, and sometimes  the American sense of entitlement and not really wanting to be helped. Why did I become a physician again? Then I go to Costa Rica- to a barrio of Nicaraguan immigrants who have no support or money. I see them and really do so little. I hug them and tell them their children are healthy and give them basic antibiotics, flintstone vitamins, and tylenol. And they are grateful- just to have somebody listen.  I stop focusing on me. I stop focusing on birthday parties, and Target shopping trips and summer vacations. I stop worrying about what code Medicare will want to see and how much money this costs me. I step outside of myself and put aside my selfishness - at least for a moment. This is what God means for me. This is my passion.  I am here and ready to soak in every second and listen to whatever God wants me to hear. And I. Am. Thrilled.

Getting started

Guess we'll see how this goes... Sometimes its helpful for me to get "it" out on paper. You know "it"-- all those feelings inside that consume my mind making me feel unfunctional at times. Sometimes they're the to-do lists, sometimes they're fear or lists of devastating what ifs. Sometimes it's random unrelated thoughts. All of them though keep me from being in the moment. That's my biggest challenge. I go through hours or even days when I'm not really present-just a smiling shell getting things done but realing the whole time. Hence, this experiment. Put it all out there so it has an appropriate place and enjoy. Wish me luck...