So self-reflection-here it goes....
Question #1. Why did I go to medical school? Well, that's what I was supposed to do, right? I thought about being a doctor from the time I was young. It was solidified as I went through school with good grades, study habits, preferences for math and science. Teachers, my parents-I felt like everyone supported my path. I did waiver a little in college and thought maybe medical research was my thing...until I spent a summer in a medical lab and absolutely hated it. I was back on track, the over achiever that I was. I imagined seeing patients over and over, seeing them grow, seeing their families and children. I imagined the relationships and trust that would develop. I wanted that connection. I imagined the ideal.
Medical school essays and residency interviews are all about that. I wrote about my first patient connection in medical school with a patient named Mr Cardenas in El Paso. He was an alcoholic with end stage liver disease that spoke very little english. I was a newbie sleep deprived student stuck on a surgery rotation in an army hospital. I was not only the only female in our group at the time but felt like the only one not wearing camouflage. I would go "check on" Mr. Cardenas on rounds and hide in his room. He would smile and pat my hand.
Similarly, my first connection with a patient in residency was a sweet lady with a very tough life named Beulah. Jeez, I loved that lady. My first week of residency, I went into her hospital room to round at 4am-again scared and tired-she asked me how my day was starting and I sat down on her hospital bed and cried my eyes out. Not exactly professional in retrospect, but our bond was formed. These people that I got to know and remember so vividly are the reasons I went to medical school.
Question #2. Is this really what I want to do with my life? That's not an easy question. After all my training, I still would have said yes. Then I walked into my first practice - prepared to be there forever. It wasn't what I expected or wanted at all. Patients came in rushed. Nobody was happy to be at the doctor. They had already googled their symptoms and would tell me what they had, they just needed a prescription. My years of education felt like only a drive-through antibiotic signature. Then financially, I was pushed to see so many patients. I didn't have time to get to know people, I was always running behind and people were always perturbed. It was never enough. Then there was paperwork- insurance forms, pre authorization forms, disability forms, FMLA forms. It was never ending. I was depressed and discouraged.
Needless to say, I left that practice in search of my place. Long story longer, I ended up very haphazardly doing inpatient work- something I never thought I would do. I was really choosing call and weekends and unpredictable schedules? But it has been a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days and frustrations. But I have the intellectual diversity that I missed. I can spend time with a patient who needs it that day. And although my relationships are not often long lasting, the fact that I see people multiple days in a row gives me the chance to connect. I get to work with some really amazing nurses and specialist physicians that have become good friends.
Most importantly though, and what I never could have seen coming, was that this change has given me the opportunity to meet the people and circumstances that led me to Costa Rica.
I am thankful and in awe that God planned the path that led me to where I am today. He gave me experiences of what not to do. He gave me strength enough to walk away without a plan B when it wasn't right. He gave me courage enough to try something new that I wasn't sure about. He gives me patience and faith to know that what is in store will happen in His time.
His word is a "lamp to my feet and a light to my path" - Psalm 119:105. I don't have to see the end, only the next step. I don't have to know the answer to my question. I don't have to know if this is what I will do for the rest of my life. I only need to know that God wants me right here, right now. My hard days and exhaustion are important to His plan-I am going to need tomorrow what I am learning from today. The only forever I need to know is Him.
P.S. and you know what's crazy, I didn't even know that's where I would end up when I wrote all these thoughts out today.)
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