Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Random pneumonia thoughts

Lots of time today to think....just laying, trying to let my body heal from this bug, and thinking. I've been trying to avoid that quite a hit lately. It's easier to focus on the details and getting things done. But nonetheless I was stuck so....some (pretty random) thoughts.
Thinking about leaving here, thinking about starting there. Little things are hitting me---

Things I'm going to miss (obviously the big things--our family, Juana, my job, our friends and neighbors, the boys' schools, etc). But also...

1. Juana's homemade soup 
2. Houston Dynamo soccer games
3. My favorite run  down to and around the lake 
4. Indian food Thursdays at the hospital
5. Hide & seek in the cul de sac
6. Morning Commiserating and tea breaks  with my girls in the ICU
7. Hawaii 5-0 and Surivor nights on the couch with a DQ blizzard
8. Losing myself in Community of Faith service music
9. Boys' sleepovers with our neighbors & their best friends
10. Guacamole...and tortillas...and ...and queso...especially from El Ranchito #2
11. Jazzercising my Mexican food away
12. Watching the boys climb trees and pee in the woods and collect bugs at soccer practice
13. Hospital nurses who know me so well they don't have to call
14. Making fun of my awesome pregnant partner and watching baby boy make his entrance to the world
15. Surprise McDonald's lunches with the boys at school
16. Summer afternoons in the backyard pool
17. Buc-ees

Things I won't miss (not as long but still)

1. 100plus degree summer heat
2. 4:30pm ER admits that keep me from heading home
3. The bus stop (not the company of course, just the chaos)
4. Weekend rounds 
5. Youth soccer coach and team selection drama
6. Dr. Oz and Meet the Press and most US media really
7. A few hospital nurses that call multiple times with unimportant questions
8. Houston traffic (not that I deal with it much)

Things I'm looking forward to

1. Watching the boys snowboard
2. Spending my days with Owen
3. Traveling by train across Europe
4. Micah being home before 6pm
5. Learning to cross country ski
6. European soccer-watching professionals and watching Barrett
7. Fireplaces we can really use

Things I'm nervous about

1. Snow and cold
2. Grocery shopping 
3. Learning to speak Norwegian
4. Finding friends without working
5. Driving in the snow 
6. 13 hour flights with 3 young boys

More to come I'm sure but that's my productivity for the day

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Finding me

Who am I?
Getting ready for this big move, I've got my personal struggles. 
Of course I'm concerned and dealing with the boys adjusting, education, logistics, moving away from family, changing so many plans, etc.

But then there's me. I'm moving away from my job-my career. Working as a typical physician is not a likely option in Norway so I'm taking some time to get there, get settled, and figure out what my options are.

But there in lies my problem. I am
a doctor. That's what I do. That's what I'm good at. That's me. Who am I without the "doctor" in superdoctormom?

Since I was 18 being a physician has been a huge part of my life. Through college, medical school, residency, and jobs it has been a focus. I have always worked hard.  I have juggled call nights and holidays working and paperwork and patient phone calls---I am having a hard time seeing myself without those things. 

I am realizing that I have used my job as a crutch in a way. Its been the reason I don't have time for things (volunteering at the boys' schools more)  or I'm not good at things (cooking). What if I'm not a good wife/mom when you take away the job? Is what's left somebody I like?

That's what I have to figure out and honestly its a little scary. Redefining myself. 

I'm not sure where to start but I better get going. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Leap of faith

Life changes. 
I am a goal setter, queen of deferred gratification, an admitted control freak. I plan and make lists and and make plans about the lists I will make. 
I do well with a syllabus, an agenda. That's my comfort zone. 
So what happens when life throws you a curve ball?
I'm lost.
I'm scared. 
I  feel out of control.
In a time when some huge changes lie ahead, I'm really trying to take this opportunity to constantly remind myself and teach my kids these important lessons. Maybe if I keep focusing on them enough, they'll stick.
1. Life changes. That never goes away. Nothing is constant except God. 
2. The only thing I can control are my actions and reactions to the situation-if I'm sad or angry or anxious, it's because that's what I'm choosing.
3. Every change is a learning opportunity. I grow and become stronger with every experience. Leaving my comfort zone is a good thing.
4. Change has historically been good for me. Friends and experiences I've gained through changes that I wasn't  so sure about are some of my very favorites.
5. Feelings are not fact-they are fleeting. A bad day can easily become overwhelming in the moment but that shouldn't define the situation as a whole.
6. I've done this before - successfully. I can look back at points that were overwhelming and seemingly insurmountable and I'm still here. It wasn't always easy or pretty but I made it.
7. I'll do this again. Kids grow and leave home, jobs change, families change. I can't stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not there. 
8. My priorities ARE in my control and are not ever changing: God, Micah, my boys.
9.More specifically, home is where we are together. Everything else is really just details.
10. This is Gods plan. I don't understand it all or see it all clearly but He does. 
I had a big "God moment" this week in Paris. We were in the amazing church of Notre Dame on a rainy day.  I was spending time alone in a quiet corner in front of one of the beautiful stained glass windows. I was taking in the moment, the history, thinking about all the people that had worshipped there over centuries. I started praying and asked God to find me in that moment-in Paris, in the rain, in front of that window. No kidding, a big ray of sun lit that window up exactly then and then faded back into the dark clouds. I'm sure you could call in coincidence or crazy  but I call it faith. God heard me. He's with me, even when I'm lost.

It's a leap of faith .......
Here we go!