Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Duck lesson

Part 1
I don't like ducks. I know that's weird but that's just how it is. Our hospital has a duck pond and I have to walk by a bunch of them every day going in. They quack and squawk and sit in the way in the middle of sidewalk.  I think there's one who waits for me just to be mean. 
Part 2
Today I had to tell a patient that he has cancer. He and his wife knew it was a possibility but now it's confirmed. We had a long conversation about the plan and what's next and his prognosis. We tried to address his worries about work  and money. And then-he caught he off guard. He told me bird watching is a hobby of his and he had spent the past week looking out at the beautiful pond and ducks. He asked if he could go by wheelchair out to enjoy the ducks.
Ducks....the same ones I spend every morning grumbling about. The same ones that I wish weren't there. The same ones I take for granted that I am able to walk by. 
It's all about perspective. What is bothersome to me is beautiful to someone else-at a time when he needs and deserves beauty and peace. 
Something to remember tomorrow morning as I pass the ducks.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Real worlds?

Back to the "real world" this week and hasn't exactly been easy. I don't know why I have that distinction in my head. I found myself talking to people about "in my real life" or thinking "when I get back to reality". My brain tends to try and separate my daily life, responsibilities and routine from the time I am able to spend in Costa Rica. Maybe it's just because it's different. I'm not driving and running errands and playing chauffeur and answering pages and filling out billing sheets and making dinner and .....the list is never ending. I run from first thing in the morning to the final minute I finally get to lay down and relax. That's the way it goes for most of us I think. Most days feel like a version of what I imagine an air force mission is like---parachutes? Now GO! GO! GO! GO! That definitely is an aspect of the differentiation. But maybe it's also because I choose to emotionally separate it. When I'm in Costa Rica I am more myself than anywhere else-no pretenses, no parameters. Back home, I tend to hold back. I'm not emotionally invested in every second and every patient. I'm more clinical, more structured, thinking about following guidelines and fitting into the mold. It's necessary. It's easier. But why? Costa Rica is just as much the real world. They are real people. Real obstacles. Real feelings. How do I integrate the compassion and joy I find there into HERE? I don't have the answer....I'm working on it. I'm working to find and share my passion with the patients that need it here, to share with my friends/colleagues the opportunities and experiences that are out there, and to help my kids understand their unique blessings and passion. It's not the easy road but I'm realizing it IS the necessary one. Its what God has asked of me and I can't ignore it anymore. "We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations." --Charles Swindoll

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Costa Rica Suprises

I came into this week of mission differently than last year.  Last year the idea sounded great in theory, but the follow-through scared me to death. What if it's not safe? I'll miss my boys. What if I am miserable the first day and then I'm stuck there for the week? What if I don't like the people in the group? Am I expected to sing  Kumbayah the whole time? What if I don't LIKE helping people? But then I got there and was so busy right away working that I didn't have time to think about my fears. The time flew. I laughed a lot and enjoyed the people. I cried a lot and made plans to return before I even left. I learned I am stronger than I thought. I was more emotionally affected than I thought.  God suprised me and blessed me because I was willing to take a step. It. Was. Life. Changing. So I began this trip with a different confidence and excitement. I know how it's going to go. I know how I'll feel.  Nothing will catch me off guard. But contrary to my expectations, God suprised me again. He blessed me because I put myself in a place to allow myself to focus only on Him. He's placed things on my heart that I didn't even know I longed for. I made a connection with a young boy that I've only felt with my own children. I was told he opened up to me unlike anyone before. We took pictures together, played, snuggled. God put us there together to make a difference in each other's lives. I have new thoughts and prayers for a life and happy home for a little boy that nobody wanted. I have a clear vision of a permanent clinic in La Carpio. The ability to provide ongoing care for the people trying to provide health and life for their families could be potentially life changing and is realistically doable. I have found a new arsenal of reliable and REAL friends. The people God placed on this trip are people I will continue to walk through life with.  They are ecclectic- a fellow working mom, a 17 year old soccer player, and 66 year old fiesty granny. They are the kind of people that I wouldn't have otherwise encountered but now that we've shared this experience, they are people I can be real with. That's priceless. And my husband-who suprised me with his enjoyment. Sharing these times is about US together-not our kids or jobs or the house. I remember that I not only love him but I LIKE him too. I am so proud of him. This time affects us individually but also makes our marriage stronger and makes us better parents.  So suprise!!! I have realized God is not even close to being finished with me yet. Every time I take control and plan and think I have it figured out, He will throw me a curve ball and open my eyes to more. So I will do my best to step back and allow what comes-He never disappoints. "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say " I used everything you gave me.""

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Rain forest Survivor

Our group spent the day today in Coronado-home to Excelencia Familar-the orphanage Community of Faith started and supports. It is home to 20 children - 10 boys and 10 girls - in 2 houses. We worked painting the inside of the houses today. I worked in the boys' house and soaked in laughing and talking with the boys. What I found crazy was that it was just like being at home. Kids are kids no matter the country. The oldest of the boys made himself scarce to avoid being pulled in to work. The preteen boys were eager to help paint and be a part of everything.  The youngest boys entertained themselves playing video games and making "chocolate milk" in a bucket outside filled with used paintbrushes.  We took a muddy and slippery hike/slide into the rainforest down to a creek. The boys led the way and had lots of fun taking us down what I'm sure was the most treacherous and difficult path. They laughed as we got muddy or ended up in the water. They held out hands and helped as we jumped over ravines. They bounced from rock to rock while we struggled with each step. It was such a fun experience and unbelievably beautiful. We ended the day with a soccer game  with them- and they even let Micah score a goal. It didn't matter that we didn't understand all of each others words. It didn't matter that these kids have terrible backgrounds and have had harder lives than we could ever imagine. It didn't matter that they live with 19 "siblings" and just met us today. We had fun together. We worked together. We played together. They are good people with big hearts and so much potential.  In the past I've heard the sad news stories, read the poverty statistics, seen the infomercials with the kids with the big sad eyes-but while devastating it seems so far removed. That happens somewhere else, to other people. But now I've had the opportunity to know these boys- to see they are just like my boys at home and they deserve the same dreams and prayers.  Today I depended on an 11 year old to keep me safe in the rain forest. Now I want to make sure he and all the Coronado boys can depend on me.  Oscar, Anthony, Jose, Juan Carlos, and Brian found a place in my heart today.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

If only Fred Flinstone was the answer

Another amazing busy busy clinic today! We have been able to provide medical care for 230 people! Awesome! Most of what we give the patients is vitamins, Tylenol, ibuprofen, and a few antibiotics and medicated creams -simple things but things El Carpio residents don't have the money for.  People come into the clinic  with a laundry list of complaints of headaches to fatigue and I offer them what I can. Mark (our pastor) likes to joke that our Flintstone children's vitamins can cure all-give a Fred for cough, a Wilma for gastritis, a Dino for back pain. And honestly that's true. Today 140 people waited to be seen for hours and most of them were essentially healthy. They look for reassurance, someone to listen, and medicine because it's available. If you don't have insurance, transportation, or money who wouldn't take advantage of a free clinic and medicines-who know when the next opportunity might be. There are the people who have an acute illness and we are in the right place at the right time-babies with fever, skin infections, cuts needing stitches. There are people who have chronic medical issues and know they need medicine but have no way to get it-high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, arthritis. But my heart breaks most for the ones I find who have a serious problem and I am helpless to do anything. Today I saw a family with 3 small children with hepatitis, another young guy with what I am positive was tuberculosis, and an older gentleman with oral cancer.  These are the ones a vitamin can't fix. So I try my best to educate them, stress  my recommendations, hug them and we pray for them. I try to find comfort in the fact that God is in La Carpio tonight and every day after I have to leave. My love and concern for these people is a drop in the bucket and God will continue to fill that day after day. And that is something all the Fred Flintstones in the world could never do.  God bless Juan, Nayelli, Luis, and all of families of La Carpio. I miss you already.

Monday, July 16, 2012

89 and counting...

Started our adventure last night with a trip to a pharmacy at 12am to pick up medications needed for the clinic. San Jose is an interesting city-especially in the middle of the night! This morning we arrived at La Carpio to set up. La Carpio is a neighborhood in San Jose made up of immigrants. The roads are dirt and uneven-undrivable. Houses are made from some concrete and mostly scrap metal pieces. Dogs and roosters wander freely around looking for scraps.  People have so little  yet they are a strong community together. You see 10 year olds taking care of younger siblings and young teenage moms taking care of nieces and nephews. It truly is a family.  Clinic kicked off and I saw 89 patients! Y'all, on a normal day at work I see 15-20. A super busy clinic day might be 40. It was C-RAZY!!!  Excitement included a tuberculosis diagnosis and a scalp laceration that I stitched (haven't done that in a while, but it's like riding a bicycle I guess-it all came back). The people, as always, were so welcoming. The kids especially love to give hugs and sit on my lap. I love how trusting and happy and unspoiled they are.  Now we are back at the hotel to clean up after lice, ringworm and a whole lotta "gripa" (congestion/cold) and then head to dinner. Our whole group here is a blessing and I especially love that Micah and I get to share this time together. It's unmatchable. I am exhausted but can't wait to get back there to do it again tomorrow. I may just send for my boys and never leave this place-it's my peace.  Hasta la manyana!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

To Costa Rica

Arriving in Costa Rica today for a week of mission, medicine and adventure. It's my favorite week all year.  Sometimes my job sucks. Healthcare in America sucks. I often struggle with  wanting to really listen and help people in the face of time constraints, financial strains, pressures from hospital administration and insurance companies, and sometimes  the American sense of entitlement and not really wanting to be helped. Why did I become a physician again? Then I go to Costa Rica- to a barrio of Nicaraguan immigrants who have no support or money. I see them and really do so little. I hug them and tell them their children are healthy and give them basic antibiotics, flintstone vitamins, and tylenol. And they are grateful- just to have somebody listen.  I stop focusing on me. I stop focusing on birthday parties, and Target shopping trips and summer vacations. I stop worrying about what code Medicare will want to see and how much money this costs me. I step outside of myself and put aside my selfishness - at least for a moment. This is what God means for me. This is my passion.  I am here and ready to soak in every second and listen to whatever God wants me to hear. And I. Am. Thrilled.

Getting started

Guess we'll see how this goes... Sometimes its helpful for me to get "it" out on paper. You know "it"-- all those feelings inside that consume my mind making me feel unfunctional at times. Sometimes they're the to-do lists, sometimes they're fear or lists of devastating what ifs. Sometimes it's random unrelated thoughts. All of them though keep me from being in the moment. That's my biggest challenge. I go through hours or even days when I'm not really present-just a smiling shell getting things done but realing the whole time. Hence, this experiment. Put it all out there so it has an appropriate place and enjoy. Wish me luck...