Miles to go

Every so often,  I feel like I might be getting the hang of it. Nobody cries in the morning out the door, I find pop tarts at a grocery store, I parallel park successfully in the small icey spot, I run my treadmill 5k.

That's not today.

Today I feel like a disaster. 

I'm supposed to be filling out a preschool application due in 2 days in Norwegian. I have to list our top 5 choices of schools...none of which I've even seen. 

I drove to try to find a city office today for help....never found it (or parking for that matter) and then got completely lost. A poor policeman took pity on me when I got pulled over for driving the wrong way on a one way street (I thought the sign said no parking, not no driving).

I tried to go to a PTA meeting which turned out to be a group of very bitter moms complaining about teachers and the school. Then one of them asked me if Owen had a disability since I didn't have him in school. 

Church has not been successful. There is really only one English speaking church. I have really tried to go open mindedly but it just isn't right. The service lasts almost 2 hours and I don't think I am engaged enough to even focus on God's word. I'm trying to wrangle the kids (no children's church), follow liturgy, and honestly stay awake.

I miss my life. 

My friends. 

My church. 

My family. 

My job. 

My comfort.

Why am I here? I asked Micah that today. I'm not seeing a path or purpose. I have faith that God has a plan for me and I am spending more time with Him than ever before. I'm listening but I'm not hearing. I'm looking but I'm not seeing. I'm tired and worn down.

And maybe that's the point. 

We watched our church's message Sunday based on the story of the disciples rowing across the sea of Galilee in a terrible storm and Jesus walking on water to save them. But Jesus didn't save them right away. They struggled for hours before He stepped in. Pastor Mark pointed out that maybe that was to give the disciples the time necessary to realize they couldn't do it by themselves-without Him, they would fail. 

That piece particularly has stuck with me. 

Maybe that's where I am. Maybe I'm in the storm needing to give up on all the things that have always gotten me through- my pride, my control, my sheer determination, my bulletproof facade. 

Im watching as these pieces of myself fall away-and maybe they have needed to go for a while. Maybe they are making way for new opportunities to receive Gods love and faith. 

So today, I give up.

And tomorrow, I will put myself out there again. 

I have miles to go.....