I refuse

I'm not usually a big song lyrics person, but these word pretty much sum  up where I am in my walk with God right now. I listen to this over and over....

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and act like everyone's alright when I know they're not,

This world needs God but it's easier to stand and watch. I could pray a prayer and just move on like nothing's wrong,

But I refuse.

I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself

I could choose not to move

But I refuse

I can hear the least of these, crying out so desperately and I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God,

So if You say move, it's time for me to follow through and do what I was made to do and show them who You are,

I refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help

I refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged, to wait another day to die to myself

I refuse to make one more excuse

I refuse.

Let the chaos begin!

And so it begins...

Meet the teacher, school supplies, soccer practices, new preschool, the list feels never ending. Some days I feel like I need a secretary to coordinate everything for me and tell when to be where with who. And then try to fit in patients, paperwork, call, weekends rounding, Micah's travel schedule - I am exhausted and it's just starting! Summer is officially over and fall chaos has begun...

I begin to ask the question when I drive between soccer and gymnastics in rush hour traffic-is it worth it? Is it worth the 10 minute turn around time? Is is worth the stress that I still haven't finished my

documentation for the day? Is it worth the bags in the car that carry snacks, bug spray, equipment, changes of clothes-everything to survive should we happen to be trapped in the wilderness for days.

And always when I've made it down off my ledge the answer is yes. Extracurricular activities allow for  life experiences that are important for my boys. They get the chance to choose something, to work hard at it and be proud of their improvement and success. They get to be an individual. They learn to lose and fail and get back up again. They learn how to manage their time and how to share finite time with their brothers. They learn they are a part of a family who always supports and cheers for each other at every practice and every game. Most importantly they learn about themselves. Characteristics-strengths and weaknesses unique to them. For example, My oldest is a crazy hard worker-he gives 110% percent all the time. But he's really hard on himself when he  loses and takes it personally. My middle loves to try new skills and has no fear of failure. But he's not a great team player. These are attributes that will impact their life. They are learning how to handle learning who they are in a safe environment with our encouragement and guidance.

Now don't get me wrong, I am definitely a type A OCD personality but I refuse to let these "things" take over our family. I actually make a concerted effort  not to over schedule or commit (admittedly with varying results). My boys know they are allowed one extracurricular activity at a time. They know family

commitments come first, school second, activities third. They know they are expected to contribute to family responsibilities and help around the house to manage our time.

But the reality is that with 3 boys and a mom and dad that work, it adds up. It does. It's a lot. Most nights I go home and crash. Micah and I have to sync our schedules way in advance. We have to sometimes adjust call nights or work meetings to accommodate activities. 

But it works for our family. We eat together every night. We go to church together. We have dedicated family time together. We do life together. We enjoy it together and we enjoy each other. 

So as I sit at gymnastics typing this, I will remember that these are the times and memories that will never come again and cherish them...and smile all the way to the soccer field.

"Ode to Micah" (sorta)

Ive been reading a new relationship book.

It's a (not so) secret hobby of mine to read self-help books. I have read more on parenting, marriage, and happiness than I could ever pass on. For some reason, I am fascinated with the vastly different points of view on the subjects. *disclaimer* Some of them out there are really really bad. You apparently need no knowledge or experience to write about how to raise boys to be happy, emotional stable men...in 5 minutes. They can tend to capitalize on unhappy people who are looking for a sure fix. 

But some of them offer really interesting insight if you are willing to read with an open mind (see: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother). So my current read on successful marriage suggests outlining clear and concrete reasons "why you love *your significant other*".

Easier said than done. I find it very difficult to put such strong feelings into words. Here's my start:

1. Micah has been my best friend for over 18 years now. He knows me like no one else and vice versa. That's worth more than I can explain.

2. He is always patient. With me, with the boys, with God.

3. He is willing to admit mistakes and make an effort. We learn and grow with each other instead of in spite of each other.

4. Micah has still never beat me at a handstand contest. (he refutes this fact, but statistics speak for themselve)

5. We wholeheartedly support each other constantly- schools, jobs, passions. He knows he always always has me in his corner. 

6. He is the most selfless person I've ever known. I constantly try to push him to put himself first. 

7. He humors me. He laughs at my bad jokes, singing, hair days, cooking-whew!

8. He has loved me at my best- graduating medical school, finding my mission work, being a mother. 

9. He has loved me at my worst- not ready to elaborate there, just take my word for it.

10. I have hair-brained ideas. "I quit my job", "lets adopt another boy", "I'm going to graduation." He never tells me how ridiculous my thoughts are or makes me justify them.

11. When it should have been over, he refused to walk away. We made a committment to each other that we will figure this world out together. 

12. Marriage is hard. Nobody tells you that. Sometimes, in fact, it really sucks. I couldn't and wouldn't do it with anyone else. Ever. No matter what. Ever. Really.  (Does that convey my thought?)

So that's my thoughts for now. More to come. 

I am reminded of a favorite phrase. In our bedroom, we have an engagement picture that was matted and signed by everyone at our wedding. My favorite signature is from Micah's college roommate

Brian who simply wrote "it was always going to happen." 

It was.

God planned it.

In spite of ourselves. 

We can't screw it up as long as we keep looking to Him.

Really, that's the only  self help advice anyone ever needs.

Know-it-all

According to him, my 9 year old knows everything. He is a self proclaimed expert on any subject at any time. Tallest building in the world? Easy, got it. Rules for obscure sport? Can give you the history and player stats as well. Weight of Jupiter every 32nd year when it aligns with Neptune? Off the top of his head answer.We joke with him about how his giant brain possibly fits in his head. He is nothing if not confident.

I remember being like that. I remember arguing with my second grade teacher about a hot air balloon that I was sure touched the sun. 

I remember going to medical school and having fellow students feel sure that they could diagnose and treat a patient better than a practicing physician.

I remember having my first child and 

(after past the shock of new motherhood) feeling sure I had it all figured out. I would never feed my kids McDonald's or stand for them

throwing that fit or expose them to any germs. 

The thing is, there is something to be said for confidence. Feeling sure of yourself allows for success. Life is full of knock downs and negativity so it's necessary to have  a self esteem that can handle it. 

But I realize that just when I think I know everything, everything changes. What I knew when I was a child seems silly. What I knew in my 20s seems naive. What I know now will be eclipsed as I live life.

The conflict arises when self awarded expertise takes importance over learning and opening up to new ideas and experiences. 

Pick any subject of passion-parenting, politics, (for me medicine)--and you will find people with tunnel vision. It's the "my way or the highway" thinking. " Look at the right way to do things and stop doing it so wrong." 

People forget to stop defending and start listening. We all have different strengths, different God given gifts. We aren't supposed to be experts or get it right all the time-we are meant to walk with God. Walk-implying moving forward, changing, not sitting in our same comfortable place. That walk necessitates learning-sometimes making mistakes, sometimes not knowing the answer, sometimes admitting we are wrong. 

So we keep  working with our children-walking the fine line between fostering their confidence and making them life long learners, open minded, big thinkers, and trying to lead by example. 

We continue on our walk and maybe we can learn as much from our 9 year old as we want him to learn from us.