Fear of home

Day two of jet lag is the worst part. You might not think so, but trust me on this one. 

Day one, you've got excitement and adrenaline to fuel you until you finally decide to sleep and all the exhaustion just crashes down, pulling you into eight plus hours of easy rest. But then by night two, you've settled in a bit and although you've felt like you absolutely cannot hold you eyes open for one more second at some points, when you lay down to sleep during what your body thinks is midday, you lie awake despite your best intentions and worries of tomorrow's fatigue.

This is when the big thoughts hit me. 

Until this point, thoughts about summer holidays at home tend to be milestones to countdown to, romanticized ideas of relaxing and family and...Mexican food. The most worrisome thoughts I have come from a logistic front. What to pack? baggage allowance? Flight times? Necessary details but not overly concerning. 

But now, tonight, ten hours before the last leg of our journey, I think about what it means to be going "home"....and the fear starts to creep in. 

Here's the thing, we've been living abroad for nearly five years now and a lot has happened in that time. 

When we left, Owen was 3 years old. Still a baby really, not yet with a true identity of his own. He relied on us as his world, and while he still does of course, now he is nearly 8 with friends and opinions and his own personality. 

When we left, Tyler and Barrett were little boys...who have now grown into full blown tweets/teens and our relationship with each of them has evolved. I can talk (and argue) with Barrett like he is an adult sometimes. It's kind of a twilight zone feeling sometimes.

When we left, Micah and I were stable and predictable and supportive. While all those things are still true, our commitment and encouragement for each other has reached a new level. It has had to. Many a time, we have been the only lifeline for each other. My love and admiration for him has skyrocketed with each episode of homesickness, or expat frustration, or breakdown due to fear of the unknown. 

When we left, I was worried about my career. I am a doctor. It's who I am. What will I be without that?!? The answer is, I am  still figuring that out but I am truly loving the journey. God has placed opportunities and paths in front of me I would have never ever even considered (I mean, me? Teach? Seriously?) I have discovered a self confidence I never had before. I have found a new shift of priorities I never had before. Is my house 90% furnished from ikea? Yep. Do I care? Okay, honestly some days I do, but most of time I can remember that those things i spent a lot of time thinking about before are not so important in the big picture. I am not the same fearful girl leaving for a long vacation that I was a few short years ago. I long for travel and meeting new people and cultures and working to make a difference. 

And to add to the complication, the thing we call home hasn't stood still either. People have lived their lives. Our house isn't the same. Some old friends have drifted away. Time hasn't stopped because we left, and sometimes, I know that sounds really strange, that's a hard concept to grasp. Especially for the older boys, they hope/expect things to be exactly as they remember them. It's hard to watch them go through the grief of realizing it has changed. Normal life events tend to take on an accelerated pace in these summer visits. It can be difficult. 

So here I lay, wide awake when I should be sleeping, scared of what comes tomorrow. There will be happy moments of reuniting, comfort, and love. But there will also be moments of tears, disappointment, and missing "home" when we are home. 

This life we live right now can be wonderful and thrilling but it can also be lonely and scary. I wouldn't change it for anything, but i will hold my breath a bit to see what's in store for us this summer. 

I am fearful. 

Of what we've missed. Of accepting what has changed. Of what's to come. 

But that's not a bad thing. 

Although it definitely doesn't always feel that way, fear is not a bad thing. We talk about it like it is, but fear is simply anticipation of the unknown. It's our response to that anticipation that can become the problem. If we try to embrace the opportunity and trust in God, the outcome can be great. We don't have to suppress fear. We only have to have hope and faith bigger than our fear. As my mentor has taught me, you can "feel the fear and do it anyway." Growth and change can be (and dare say, usually are) good things. 

There is much ahead, this summer and in life, and I look forward to fearing it all.