Random pneumonia thoughts

Lots of time today to think....just laying, trying to let my body heal from this bug, and thinking. I've been trying to avoid that quite a hit lately. It's easier to focus on the details and getting things done. But nonetheless I was stuck so....some (pretty random) thoughts.

Thinking about leaving here, thinking about starting there. Little things are hitting me---

Things I'm going to miss (obviously the big things--our family, Juana, my job, our friends and neighbors, the boys' schools, etc). But also...

1. Juana's homemade soup 

2. Houston Dynamo soccer games

3. My favorite run  down to and around the lake 

4. Indian food Thursdays at the hospital

5. Hide & seek in the cul de sac

6. Morning Commiserating and tea breaks  with my girls in the ICU

7. Hawaii 5-0 and Surivor nights on the couch with a DQ blizzard

8. Losing myself in Community of Faith service music

9. Boys' sleepovers with our neighbors & their best friends

10. Guacamole...and tortillas...and ...and queso...especially from El Ranchito #2

11. Jazzercising my Mexican food away

12. Watching the boys climb trees and pee in the woods and collect bugs at soccer practice

13. Hospital nurses who know me so well they don't have to call

14. Making fun of my awesome pregnant partner and watching baby boy make his entrance to the world

15. Surprise McDonald's lunches with the boys at school

16. Summer afternoons in the backyard pool

17. Buc-ees

Things I won't miss (not as long but still)

1. 100plus degree summer heat

2. 4:30pm ER admits that keep me from heading home

3. The bus stop (not the company of course, just the chaos)

4. Weekend rounds 

5. Youth soccer coach and team selection drama

6. Dr. Oz and Meet the Press and most US media really

7. A few hospital nurses that call multiple times with unimportant questions

8. Houston traffic (not that I deal with it much)

Things I'm looking forward to

1. Watching the boys snowboard

2. Spending my days with Owen

3. Traveling by train across Europe

4. Micah being home before 6pm

5. Learning to cross country ski

6. European soccer-watching professionals and watching Barrett

7. Fireplaces we can really use

Things I'm nervous about

1. Snow and cold

2. Grocery shopping 

3. Learning to speak Norwegian

4. Finding friends without working

5. Driving in the snow 

6. 13 hour flights with 3 young boys

More to come I'm sure but that's my productivity for the day

Finding me

Who am I?

Getting ready for this big move, I've got my personal struggles. 

Of course I'm concerned and dealing with the boys adjusting, education, logistics, moving away from family, changing so many plans, etc.

But then there's me. I'm moving away from my job-my career. Working as a typical physician is not a likely option in Norway so I'm taking some time to get there, get settled, and figure out what my options are.

But there in lies my problem. I am

a doctor. That's what I do. That's what I'm good at. That's me. Who am I without the "doctor" in superdoctormom?

Since I was 18 being a physician has been a huge part of my life. Through college, medical school, residency, and jobs it has been a focus. I have always worked hard.  I have juggled call nights and holidays working and paperwork and patient phone calls---I am having a hard time seeing myself without those things. 

I am realizing that I have used my job as a crutch in a way. Its been the reason I don't have time for things (volunteering at the boys' schools more)  or I'm not good at things (cooking). What if I'm not a good wife/mom when you take away the job? Is what's left somebody I like?

That's what I have to figure out and honestly its a little scary. Redefining myself. 

I'm not sure where to start but I better get going. 

Leap of faith

Life changes. 

I am a goal setter, queen of deferred gratification, an admitted control freak. I plan and make lists and and make plans about the lists I will make. 

I do well with a syllabus, an agenda. That's my comfort zone. 

So what happens when life throws you a curve ball?

I'm lost.

I'm scared. 

I  feel out of control.

In a time when some huge changes lie ahead, I'm really trying to take this opportunity to constantly remind myself and teach my kids these important lessons. Maybe if I keep focusing on them enough, they'll stick.

1. Life changes. That never goes away. Nothing is constant except God. 

2. The only thing I can control are my actions and reactions to the situation-if I'm sad or angry or anxious, it's because that's what I'm choosing.

3. Every change is a learning opportunity. I grow and become stronger with every experience. Leaving my comfort zone is a good thing.

4. Change has historically been good for me. Friends and experiences I've gained through changes that I wasn't  so sure about are some of my very favorites.

5. Feelings are not fact-they are fleeting. A bad day can easily become overwhelming in the moment but that shouldn't define the situation as a whole.

6. I've done this before - successfully. I can look back at points that were overwhelming and seemingly insurmountable and I'm still here. It wasn't always easy or pretty but I made it.

7. I'll do this again. Kids grow and leave home, jobs change, families change. I can't stick my head in the sand and pretend it's not there. 

8. My priorities ARE in my control and are not ever changing: God, Micah, my boys.

9.More specifically, home is where we are together. Everything else is really just details.

10. This is Gods plan. I don't understand it all or see it all clearly but He does. 

I had a big "God moment" this week in Paris. We were in the amazing church of Notre Dame on a rainy day.  I was spending time alone in a quiet corner in front of one of the beautiful stained glass windows. I was taking in the moment, the history, thinking about all the people that had worshipped there over centuries. I started praying and asked God to find me in that moment-in Paris, in the rain, in front of that window. No kidding, a big ray of sun lit that window up exactly then and then faded back into the dark clouds. I'm sure you could call in coincidence or crazy  but I call it faith. God heard me. He's with me, even when I'm lost.

It's a leap of faith .......

Here we go!

Giving up

I find it so amazing that just in the moments that I get wrapped up in myself, God gives me an obvious reminder to remember my priorities and purpose. 

I throw a heck of a pity party, if I do say so myself. I am really good at getting worked up and stressed and anxious and overwhelmed. I don't sleep, I don't eat, the panic attacks start, it's an effort to function.

I pray and I tell God I give it to Him, I can't do it alone.....but not all of me believes that.

 I hate to say that. I really WANT to let it go, but I don't. I would say I cant but honestly thats my choice.  I still hold on to just enough to keep control. I still pour over pro/con lists in depth and research for hours without asking Him for direction. I get wrapped up and then, just to make it even more overwhelming, I focus on my stress and how I am dealing with. I break myself.

And when I KNOW I can't possibly handle anymore, God gives me more. I've reached my end, and He says yes, you have, let it go, now you have no choice.

He turns me from details and worldly problems to Him, who I am, and my family. 

Today, He told me my boys needed me. He told me to I'm letting myself be consumed by unimportant things and to get over it. My boys need me. I need to listen and focus and love. 

I give it up. I give it up to Him.

Pig Pen

Not long ago I had a patient tell me I reminded him of Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. Offensive, right? Until he explained-he had seen me in the grocery store with all of my boys. He said I was forging straight ahead and focused on throwing things in the cart while they were all running and talking in chaos all around me. Yep, that was definitely me.

In the last 2 weeks these are actual true stories from our house:

-Watched my  3 year old carry a dog toy around in his mouth while wearing "puppy paws" (my shoes) on his hands and barking.

-Told my 7 year old "do not put that cricket in your mouth"-and had to say it more than once.

-Grounded my 9 year old after he took his (my old) iPhone to school after being told it stays at home.

-Had a long conversation with all 3 about whether a tree would grow in your stomach if you swallowed an acorn. For the record, I'm not sure I buy the theory that you can get sunlight into your stomach by yawning.

-Watched my very proud 3 year old pull down his pants and pee in the driveway---and didn't correct him. That's a potty training win!

-Found a note my 7 year old wrote that says "I will not play kung fu at recess" 20 times. When asked, he told me he hadn't gotten in trouble, he had just written it all down for "when he needed it".

-Argued with my 9 year old that soccer shorts and a hoodie do not constitute "cold weather clothes" even if you plan run in place constantly to keep warm.

Such is my life right now. 

Sometimes it drives me crazy. Sometimes it exhausts me.

Sometimes I have been known to call a "mommy timeout" and head to the closet for a quick moment to breath and pray. 

And sometimes, when I stop long enough to actually be in and take in the moment,I love it.

These boys are worth the craziness.

I. Am. Blessed.

Be a good patient, from a doctor's perspective

I spend my work days in the hospital seeing patients. Nobody plans to be a patient. Nobody knows what to expect until you've been there yourself. This is my advice for making the most of a bad situation, take it or leave it

1. Tell your doctor everything. Really. That little part about how this has happened 10 times before but you never worried about  it-that matters.

2. Please remember you are not in a hotel. Don't focus complaining about the food or being woken up or the tv channel selections. It goes on the list of irrelevant information.  Focus on getting better.

3. Be your own advocate. Your thoughts, previous experiences, and gut feelings will effect the picture. So please share.

4. Don't ask me "what time.....?" about anything and expect anything more than a guess.  Little known fact-doctors have little to nothing to do with what time your test is done, when you are moved from the ER to a room, or even what time you'll see your specialist physician. Patience is a virtue.

5. That being said, if you are the head coach of your sons Little League team that leaves for the World Series on Tuesday, let me know (true story). I will do everything I can to help you get there.

6. If you suddenly inform the nurse at 11pm on a Saturday night that you haven't had your morphine and you need me to restart it right away, don't be surprised when I say no.(another true story)

7. Please don't ask me how old I am. My answer will be "old enough to be your doctor" (ok so maybe this one only applies to me)

8. Long allergy lists, while occasionally accurate, are a red flag in the medical world. You are allergic to allll but one specific narcotic? How do you know that so well?

9. Please fill in other family members about your condition yourself. Questions are welcome but repeating yourself from the beginning for every cousin and coworker and neighbor that stops by to visit is not.

10. Follow up, follow up, follow up. What happens in the hospital is most often a result/symptom of a bigger issue that will need to be worked on over time. Don't expect a miracle cure at the end of every hospitalization and don't be shocked if it happens again if you don't follow up with your physician in the office. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace a relationship with a physician who knows you well.

That's not me

You know those moms who cut their children's sandwiches into cute little shapes? That's not me.

You know those moms who always calmly deal with temper tantrums and never raise their voice ? That's not me.

You know those moms who craft sweet, perfect, and updated homemade scrapbooks? That's not me.

You know those moms who plan meals a month in advance and have a freezer full of healthy thawable dinner options? That's not me.

You know those cool moms who let their kids and their friends be as loud as they want upstairs? That's not me.

You know those moms who never wish that it would rain on soccer practice day, just this once? That's not me.

You know those moms who never forget the camera or the sunscreen or the diapers? That's not me.

You know those moms who have the bedtime routine down and never have a 3 year old toddle down the stairs at least three times? That's not me.

You know that mom who has it all together? That's not me....and I don't know her.

You know those moms who might sometimes forget to sign the reading log or actually download the pictures off of the camera or turn on a movie so that maybe she can nap for 15 minutes or packs her kids prepackaged lunchables everyday or lets them fall asleep on the couch watching tv or lets her anger show or orders pizza for dinner? 

You know that mom who screws up sometimes and apologizes to her kids? 

That's me.

But you know those moms who never miss a game even when she's rushing from work and makes cookies together (from premade dough) and sings silly songs in the car and puts the lego man back together for the millionth time today and cheers so loud at soccer games she embarrasses her kids and brings McDonald's to share at school when he's having a bad day and plays Battleship and colors on the living room floor and snuggles watching Curious George every morning? 

And you know that mom who loves her kids with everything she has and keeps trying no matter how many times she gets it wrong? 

That's me.