Giving up

I find it so amazing that just in the moments that I get wrapped up in myself, God gives me an obvious reminder to remember my priorities and purpose. 

I throw a heck of a pity party, if I do say so myself. I am really good at getting worked up and stressed and anxious and overwhelmed. I don't sleep, I don't eat, the panic attacks start, it's an effort to function.

I pray and I tell God I give it to Him, I can't do it alone.....but not all of me believes that.

 I hate to say that. I really WANT to let it go, but I don't. I would say I cant but honestly thats my choice.  I still hold on to just enough to keep control. I still pour over pro/con lists in depth and research for hours without asking Him for direction. I get wrapped up and then, just to make it even more overwhelming, I focus on my stress and how I am dealing with. I break myself.

And when I KNOW I can't possibly handle anymore, God gives me more. I've reached my end, and He says yes, you have, let it go, now you have no choice.

He turns me from details and worldly problems to Him, who I am, and my family. 

Today, He told me my boys needed me. He told me to I'm letting myself be consumed by unimportant things and to get over it. My boys need me. I need to listen and focus and love. 

I give it up. I give it up to Him.

Pig Pen

Not long ago I had a patient tell me I reminded him of Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. Offensive, right? Until he explained-he had seen me in the grocery store with all of my boys. He said I was forging straight ahead and focused on throwing things in the cart while they were all running and talking in chaos all around me. Yep, that was definitely me.

In the last 2 weeks these are actual true stories from our house:

-Watched my  3 year old carry a dog toy around in his mouth while wearing "puppy paws" (my shoes) on his hands and barking.

-Told my 7 year old "do not put that cricket in your mouth"-and had to say it more than once.

-Grounded my 9 year old after he took his (my old) iPhone to school after being told it stays at home.

-Had a long conversation with all 3 about whether a tree would grow in your stomach if you swallowed an acorn. For the record, I'm not sure I buy the theory that you can get sunlight into your stomach by yawning.

-Watched my very proud 3 year old pull down his pants and pee in the driveway---and didn't correct him. That's a potty training win!

-Found a note my 7 year old wrote that says "I will not play kung fu at recess" 20 times. When asked, he told me he hadn't gotten in trouble, he had just written it all down for "when he needed it".

-Argued with my 9 year old that soccer shorts and a hoodie do not constitute "cold weather clothes" even if you plan run in place constantly to keep warm.

Such is my life right now. 

Sometimes it drives me crazy. Sometimes it exhausts me.

Sometimes I have been known to call a "mommy timeout" and head to the closet for a quick moment to breath and pray. 

And sometimes, when I stop long enough to actually be in and take in the moment,I love it.

These boys are worth the craziness.

I. Am. Blessed.

Be a good patient, from a doctor's perspective

I spend my work days in the hospital seeing patients. Nobody plans to be a patient. Nobody knows what to expect until you've been there yourself. This is my advice for making the most of a bad situation, take it or leave it

1. Tell your doctor everything. Really. That little part about how this has happened 10 times before but you never worried about  it-that matters.

2. Please remember you are not in a hotel. Don't focus complaining about the food or being woken up or the tv channel selections. It goes on the list of irrelevant information.  Focus on getting better.

3. Be your own advocate. Your thoughts, previous experiences, and gut feelings will effect the picture. So please share.

4. Don't ask me "what time.....?" about anything and expect anything more than a guess.  Little known fact-doctors have little to nothing to do with what time your test is done, when you are moved from the ER to a room, or even what time you'll see your specialist physician. Patience is a virtue.

5. That being said, if you are the head coach of your sons Little League team that leaves for the World Series on Tuesday, let me know (true story). I will do everything I can to help you get there.

6. If you suddenly inform the nurse at 11pm on a Saturday night that you haven't had your morphine and you need me to restart it right away, don't be surprised when I say no.(another true story)

7. Please don't ask me how old I am. My answer will be "old enough to be your doctor" (ok so maybe this one only applies to me)

8. Long allergy lists, while occasionally accurate, are a red flag in the medical world. You are allergic to allll but one specific narcotic? How do you know that so well?

9. Please fill in other family members about your condition yourself. Questions are welcome but repeating yourself from the beginning for every cousin and coworker and neighbor that stops by to visit is not.

10. Follow up, follow up, follow up. What happens in the hospital is most often a result/symptom of a bigger issue that will need to be worked on over time. Don't expect a miracle cure at the end of every hospitalization and don't be shocked if it happens again if you don't follow up with your physician in the office. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can replace a relationship with a physician who knows you well.

That's not me

You know those moms who cut their children's sandwiches into cute little shapes? That's not me.

You know those moms who always calmly deal with temper tantrums and never raise their voice ? That's not me.

You know those moms who craft sweet, perfect, and updated homemade scrapbooks? That's not me.

You know those moms who plan meals a month in advance and have a freezer full of healthy thawable dinner options? That's not me.

You know those cool moms who let their kids and their friends be as loud as they want upstairs? That's not me.

You know those moms who never wish that it would rain on soccer practice day, just this once? That's not me.

You know those moms who never forget the camera or the sunscreen or the diapers? That's not me.

You know those moms who have the bedtime routine down and never have a 3 year old toddle down the stairs at least three times? That's not me.

You know that mom who has it all together? That's not me....and I don't know her.

You know those moms who might sometimes forget to sign the reading log or actually download the pictures off of the camera or turn on a movie so that maybe she can nap for 15 minutes or packs her kids prepackaged lunchables everyday or lets them fall asleep on the couch watching tv or lets her anger show or orders pizza for dinner? 

You know that mom who screws up sometimes and apologizes to her kids? 

That's me.

But you know those moms who never miss a game even when she's rushing from work and makes cookies together (from premade dough) and sings silly songs in the car and puts the lego man back together for the millionth time today and cheers so loud at soccer games she embarrasses her kids and brings McDonald's to share at school when he's having a bad day and plays Battleship and colors on the living room floor and snuggles watching Curious George every morning? 

And you know that mom who loves her kids with everything she has and keeps trying no matter how many times she gets it wrong? 

That's me.

Remembering

I admit it, the past few weeks I have gotten really caught up in the little things. I had some stressful days at work, our nanny was sick, I had arguments with the boys at the bus stop, I didn't have the time to go run that I wanted, our lawn has a big brown spot....the list goes on.  Each hurdle has felt like a mountain and I have been overwhelmed. I've let myself get really upset and made everything into a big deal. I think Micah thinks I might be going crazy. (yes, I cried out of frustration at the bus stop.)

And then tonight we went to church and walked in to a video of our mission trip on the screen as the worship team sang "We will remember , we will be grateful."

Seriously???? How does God know that's exactly what I needed today? 

The emotion that hits me is huge. I watch that video and am reminded of what really matters. 

How much time did I spend this week praying for little Brian and the orphans I cried to leave there? How much energy did I spend planning the La Carpio clinic project-making the vision God gave me there into a reality? How much did I remember?

Not so much. 

Tonight I looked back on some of my preliminary research I've done in my project planning and focused on the facts....

-80% of the world lives on less than $10/day

-13% of the world population lives in hunger

-10 million children die in world yearly-over 2/3 of those are due to hunger and preventable diseases

-the average Costa Rican income is $10,900/year, Nicaraguan  income is $2,800/year

-La Carpio is made up of 40,000 people-most of whom are illegal Nicarguan immigrants who have moved for the chance at a better life

-Over 60% of La Carpio residents live below the poverty line (as opposed to 22% of the national population)

Crazy......and humbling

Often I get so wrapped up in life and the things that mean so little (does it really matter if the dog dug up all the vegetable seeds I planted?) I forget to be grateful. I forget to count my blessings. I forget that even if everything I worry about was "perfect" I would still find something else to worry about.

My worries are nothing. I have never worried that my children won't have anything to eat-instead we debate over which restaurant to go to tonight. I have always had a roof over my head-yet we argue about how clean the boy's rooms are. I have never considered moving to another country to find a better job-instead we watch politicians accuse each other of being the downfall of America. I don't think about clean water as it comes out of my faucet or war in my backyard as we enjoy our pool or how to pay the bills as we plan our next vacation.

That all sounds really spoiled and I hate that. I just mean to point out that all of us have more than most. All of us are the "haves" even when we feel like the "have nots." It's too easy to forget.

It's time to stop living in my bubble and focus on what matters. I need to remember.

"and what does the Lord require of you? Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

P. S. Thank you, Mark Shook and Community of Faith for my wake up call today. 

Self reflection

I had a really really hard week at work. I haven't  even been able to sit down and put it into words until now. Emotionally exhausting. Physically demanding. Feeling like the scape goat. Feeling burned out. Making me ask myself questions like "why did I ever go to medical school?" and more importantly "is this what I really want to do with the rest of my life?"

So self-reflection-here it goes....

Question #1. Why did I go to medical school? Well, that's what I was supposed to do, right? I thought about being a doctor from the time I was young. It was solidified as I went through school with good grades, study habits, preferences for math and science. Teachers, my parents-I felt like everyone supported my path. I did waiver a little in college and thought maybe medical research was my thing...until I spent a summer in a medical lab and absolutely hated it. I was back on track, the over achiever that I was. I imagined seeing patients over and over, seeing them grow, seeing their families and children. I imagined the relationships and trust that would develop. I wanted that connection. I imagined the ideal. 

Medical school essays and residency interviews are all about that. I  wrote about my first patient connection in medical school with a patient named Mr Cardenas in El Paso. He was an alcoholic with end stage liver disease that spoke very little english. I was a newbie sleep deprived student stuck on a surgery rotation in an army hospital. I was not only the only female in our group at the time but felt like the only one not wearing camouflage. I would go "check on" Mr. Cardenas on rounds and hide in his room. He would smile and pat my hand.

Similarly, my first connection with a patient in residency was a sweet lady with a very tough life named Beulah. Jeez, I loved that lady. My first week of residency, I went into her hospital room to round at 4am-again scared and tired-she asked me how my day was starting and I sat down on her hospital bed and cried my eyes out. Not exactly professional in retrospect, but our bond was formed. These people that I got to know and remember so vividly are the reasons I went to medical school. 

Question #2. Is this really what I want to do with my life? That's not an easy question. After all my training, I still would have said yes. Then I walked into my first practice - prepared to be there forever. It wasn't what I expected or wanted at all. Patients came in rushed. Nobody was happy to be at the doctor. They had already googled their symptoms and would tell me what they had, they just needed a prescription. My years of education felt like only a drive-through antibiotic signature. Then financially, I was pushed to see so many patients. I didn't have time to get to know people, I was always running behind and people were always perturbed. It was never enough. Then there was paperwork- insurance forms, pre authorization forms, disability forms, FMLA forms. It was never ending. I was depressed and discouraged.

Needless to say, I left that practice in search of my place. Long story longer, I ended up very haphazardly doing inpatient work- something I never thought I would do. I was really choosing call and weekends and unpredictable schedules? But it has been a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days and frustrations. But I have the intellectual diversity that I missed. I can spend time with a patient who needs it that day. And although my relationships are not often long lasting, the fact that I see people multiple days in a row gives me the chance to connect. I get to work with some really amazing nurses and specialist physicians that have become good friends. 

Most importantly though, and what I never could have seen coming, was that this change has given me the opportunity to meet the people and circumstances that led me to Costa Rica.

I am thankful and in awe that God planned the path that led me to where I am today. He gave me experiences of what not to do. He gave me strength enough to walk away without a plan B when it wasn't right. He gave me courage enough to try something new that I wasn't sure about. He gives me patience and faith to know that what is in store will happen in His time. 

His word is a "lamp to my feet and a light to my path" - Psalm 119:105. I don't have to see the end, only the next step. I don't have to know the answer to my question. I don't have to know if this is what I will do for the rest of my life. I only need to know that God wants me right here, right now. My hard days and exhaustion are important to His plan-I am going to need tomorrow what I am learning from today. The only forever I need to know is Him.

P.S. and you know what's crazy, I didn't even know that's where I would end up when I wrote all these thoughts out today.)

I refuse

I'm not usually a big song lyrics person, but these word pretty much sum  up where I am in my walk with God right now. I listen to this over and over....

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and act like everyone's alright when I know they're not,

This world needs God but it's easier to stand and watch. I could pray a prayer and just move on like nothing's wrong,

But I refuse.

I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself

I could choose not to move

But I refuse

I can hear the least of these, crying out so desperately and I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God,

So if You say move, it's time for me to follow through and do what I was made to do and show them who You are,

I refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help

I refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged, to wait another day to die to myself

I refuse to make one more excuse

I refuse.