That's not me

You know those moms who cut their children's sandwiches into cute little shapes? That's not me.

You know those moms who always calmly deal with temper tantrums and never raise their voice ? That's not me.

You know those moms who craft sweet, perfect, and updated homemade scrapbooks? That's not me.

You know those moms who plan meals a month in advance and have a freezer full of healthy thawable dinner options? That's not me.

You know those cool moms who let their kids and their friends be as loud as they want upstairs? That's not me.

You know those moms who never wish that it would rain on soccer practice day, just this once? That's not me.

You know those moms who never forget the camera or the sunscreen or the diapers? That's not me.

You know those moms who have the bedtime routine down and never have a 3 year old toddle down the stairs at least three times? That's not me.

You know that mom who has it all together? That's not me....and I don't know her.

You know those moms who might sometimes forget to sign the reading log or actually download the pictures off of the camera or turn on a movie so that maybe she can nap for 15 minutes or packs her kids prepackaged lunchables everyday or lets them fall asleep on the couch watching tv or lets her anger show or orders pizza for dinner? 

You know that mom who screws up sometimes and apologizes to her kids? 

That's me.

But you know those moms who never miss a game even when she's rushing from work and makes cookies together (from premade dough) and sings silly songs in the car and puts the lego man back together for the millionth time today and cheers so loud at soccer games she embarrasses her kids and brings McDonald's to share at school when he's having a bad day and plays Battleship and colors on the living room floor and snuggles watching Curious George every morning? 

And you know that mom who loves her kids with everything she has and keeps trying no matter how many times she gets it wrong? 

That's me.

Remembering

I admit it, the past few weeks I have gotten really caught up in the little things. I had some stressful days at work, our nanny was sick, I had arguments with the boys at the bus stop, I didn't have the time to go run that I wanted, our lawn has a big brown spot....the list goes on.  Each hurdle has felt like a mountain and I have been overwhelmed. I've let myself get really upset and made everything into a big deal. I think Micah thinks I might be going crazy. (yes, I cried out of frustration at the bus stop.)

And then tonight we went to church and walked in to a video of our mission trip on the screen as the worship team sang "We will remember , we will be grateful."

Seriously???? How does God know that's exactly what I needed today? 

The emotion that hits me is huge. I watch that video and am reminded of what really matters. 

How much time did I spend this week praying for little Brian and the orphans I cried to leave there? How much energy did I spend planning the La Carpio clinic project-making the vision God gave me there into a reality? How much did I remember?

Not so much. 

Tonight I looked back on some of my preliminary research I've done in my project planning and focused on the facts....

-80% of the world lives on less than $10/day

-13% of the world population lives in hunger

-10 million children die in world yearly-over 2/3 of those are due to hunger and preventable diseases

-the average Costa Rican income is $10,900/year, Nicaraguan  income is $2,800/year

-La Carpio is made up of 40,000 people-most of whom are illegal Nicarguan immigrants who have moved for the chance at a better life

-Over 60% of La Carpio residents live below the poverty line (as opposed to 22% of the national population)

Crazy......and humbling

Often I get so wrapped up in life and the things that mean so little (does it really matter if the dog dug up all the vegetable seeds I planted?) I forget to be grateful. I forget to count my blessings. I forget that even if everything I worry about was "perfect" I would still find something else to worry about.

My worries are nothing. I have never worried that my children won't have anything to eat-instead we debate over which restaurant to go to tonight. I have always had a roof over my head-yet we argue about how clean the boy's rooms are. I have never considered moving to another country to find a better job-instead we watch politicians accuse each other of being the downfall of America. I don't think about clean water as it comes out of my faucet or war in my backyard as we enjoy our pool or how to pay the bills as we plan our next vacation.

That all sounds really spoiled and I hate that. I just mean to point out that all of us have more than most. All of us are the "haves" even when we feel like the "have nots." It's too easy to forget.

It's time to stop living in my bubble and focus on what matters. I need to remember.

"and what does the Lord require of you? Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

P. S. Thank you, Mark Shook and Community of Faith for my wake up call today. 

Self reflection

I had a really really hard week at work. I haven't  even been able to sit down and put it into words until now. Emotionally exhausting. Physically demanding. Feeling like the scape goat. Feeling burned out. Making me ask myself questions like "why did I ever go to medical school?" and more importantly "is this what I really want to do with the rest of my life?"

So self-reflection-here it goes....

Question #1. Why did I go to medical school? Well, that's what I was supposed to do, right? I thought about being a doctor from the time I was young. It was solidified as I went through school with good grades, study habits, preferences for math and science. Teachers, my parents-I felt like everyone supported my path. I did waiver a little in college and thought maybe medical research was my thing...until I spent a summer in a medical lab and absolutely hated it. I was back on track, the over achiever that I was. I imagined seeing patients over and over, seeing them grow, seeing their families and children. I imagined the relationships and trust that would develop. I wanted that connection. I imagined the ideal. 

Medical school essays and residency interviews are all about that. I  wrote about my first patient connection in medical school with a patient named Mr Cardenas in El Paso. He was an alcoholic with end stage liver disease that spoke very little english. I was a newbie sleep deprived student stuck on a surgery rotation in an army hospital. I was not only the only female in our group at the time but felt like the only one not wearing camouflage. I would go "check on" Mr. Cardenas on rounds and hide in his room. He would smile and pat my hand.

Similarly, my first connection with a patient in residency was a sweet lady with a very tough life named Beulah. Jeez, I loved that lady. My first week of residency, I went into her hospital room to round at 4am-again scared and tired-she asked me how my day was starting and I sat down on her hospital bed and cried my eyes out. Not exactly professional in retrospect, but our bond was formed. These people that I got to know and remember so vividly are the reasons I went to medical school. 

Question #2. Is this really what I want to do with my life? That's not an easy question. After all my training, I still would have said yes. Then I walked into my first practice - prepared to be there forever. It wasn't what I expected or wanted at all. Patients came in rushed. Nobody was happy to be at the doctor. They had already googled their symptoms and would tell me what they had, they just needed a prescription. My years of education felt like only a drive-through antibiotic signature. Then financially, I was pushed to see so many patients. I didn't have time to get to know people, I was always running behind and people were always perturbed. It was never enough. Then there was paperwork- insurance forms, pre authorization forms, disability forms, FMLA forms. It was never ending. I was depressed and discouraged.

Needless to say, I left that practice in search of my place. Long story longer, I ended up very haphazardly doing inpatient work- something I never thought I would do. I was really choosing call and weekends and unpredictable schedules? But it has been a blessing. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days and frustrations. But I have the intellectual diversity that I missed. I can spend time with a patient who needs it that day. And although my relationships are not often long lasting, the fact that I see people multiple days in a row gives me the chance to connect. I get to work with some really amazing nurses and specialist physicians that have become good friends. 

Most importantly though, and what I never could have seen coming, was that this change has given me the opportunity to meet the people and circumstances that led me to Costa Rica.

I am thankful and in awe that God planned the path that led me to where I am today. He gave me experiences of what not to do. He gave me strength enough to walk away without a plan B when it wasn't right. He gave me courage enough to try something new that I wasn't sure about. He gives me patience and faith to know that what is in store will happen in His time. 

His word is a "lamp to my feet and a light to my path" - Psalm 119:105. I don't have to see the end, only the next step. I don't have to know the answer to my question. I don't have to know if this is what I will do for the rest of my life. I only need to know that God wants me right here, right now. My hard days and exhaustion are important to His plan-I am going to need tomorrow what I am learning from today. The only forever I need to know is Him.

P.S. and you know what's crazy, I didn't even know that's where I would end up when I wrote all these thoughts out today.)

I refuse

I'm not usually a big song lyrics person, but these word pretty much sum  up where I am in my walk with God right now. I listen to this over and over....

Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and act like everyone's alright when I know they're not,

This world needs God but it's easier to stand and watch. I could pray a prayer and just move on like nothing's wrong,

But I refuse.

I don't want to live like I don't care

I don't want to say another empty prayer

I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else to do what God has called me to do myself

I could choose not to move

But I refuse

I can hear the least of these, crying out so desperately and I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God,

So if You say move, it's time for me to follow through and do what I was made to do and show them who You are,

I refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help

I refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well

I refuse to stay unchanged, to wait another day to die to myself

I refuse to make one more excuse

I refuse.

Let the chaos begin!

And so it begins...

Meet the teacher, school supplies, soccer practices, new preschool, the list feels never ending. Some days I feel like I need a secretary to coordinate everything for me and tell when to be where with who. And then try to fit in patients, paperwork, call, weekends rounding, Micah's travel schedule - I am exhausted and it's just starting! Summer is officially over and fall chaos has begun...

I begin to ask the question when I drive between soccer and gymnastics in rush hour traffic-is it worth it? Is it worth the 10 minute turn around time? Is is worth the stress that I still haven't finished my

documentation for the day? Is it worth the bags in the car that carry snacks, bug spray, equipment, changes of clothes-everything to survive should we happen to be trapped in the wilderness for days.

And always when I've made it down off my ledge the answer is yes. Extracurricular activities allow for  life experiences that are important for my boys. They get the chance to choose something, to work hard at it and be proud of their improvement and success. They get to be an individual. They learn to lose and fail and get back up again. They learn how to manage their time and how to share finite time with their brothers. They learn they are a part of a family who always supports and cheers for each other at every practice and every game. Most importantly they learn about themselves. Characteristics-strengths and weaknesses unique to them. For example, My oldest is a crazy hard worker-he gives 110% percent all the time. But he's really hard on himself when he  loses and takes it personally. My middle loves to try new skills and has no fear of failure. But he's not a great team player. These are attributes that will impact their life. They are learning how to handle learning who they are in a safe environment with our encouragement and guidance.

Now don't get me wrong, I am definitely a type A OCD personality but I refuse to let these "things" take over our family. I actually make a concerted effort  not to over schedule or commit (admittedly with varying results). My boys know they are allowed one extracurricular activity at a time. They know family

commitments come first, school second, activities third. They know they are expected to contribute to family responsibilities and help around the house to manage our time.

But the reality is that with 3 boys and a mom and dad that work, it adds up. It does. It's a lot. Most nights I go home and crash. Micah and I have to sync our schedules way in advance. We have to sometimes adjust call nights or work meetings to accommodate activities. 

But it works for our family. We eat together every night. We go to church together. We have dedicated family time together. We do life together. We enjoy it together and we enjoy each other. 

So as I sit at gymnastics typing this, I will remember that these are the times and memories that will never come again and cherish them...and smile all the way to the soccer field.

"Ode to Micah" (sorta)

Ive been reading a new relationship book.

It's a (not so) secret hobby of mine to read self-help books. I have read more on parenting, marriage, and happiness than I could ever pass on. For some reason, I am fascinated with the vastly different points of view on the subjects. *disclaimer* Some of them out there are really really bad. You apparently need no knowledge or experience to write about how to raise boys to be happy, emotional stable men...in 5 minutes. They can tend to capitalize on unhappy people who are looking for a sure fix. 

But some of them offer really interesting insight if you are willing to read with an open mind (see: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother). So my current read on successful marriage suggests outlining clear and concrete reasons "why you love *your significant other*".

Easier said than done. I find it very difficult to put such strong feelings into words. Here's my start:

1. Micah has been my best friend for over 18 years now. He knows me like no one else and vice versa. That's worth more than I can explain.

2. He is always patient. With me, with the boys, with God.

3. He is willing to admit mistakes and make an effort. We learn and grow with each other instead of in spite of each other.

4. Micah has still never beat me at a handstand contest. (he refutes this fact, but statistics speak for themselve)

5. We wholeheartedly support each other constantly- schools, jobs, passions. He knows he always always has me in his corner. 

6. He is the most selfless person I've ever known. I constantly try to push him to put himself first. 

7. He humors me. He laughs at my bad jokes, singing, hair days, cooking-whew!

8. He has loved me at my best- graduating medical school, finding my mission work, being a mother. 

9. He has loved me at my worst- not ready to elaborate there, just take my word for it.

10. I have hair-brained ideas. "I quit my job", "lets adopt another boy", "I'm going to graduation." He never tells me how ridiculous my thoughts are or makes me justify them.

11. When it should have been over, he refused to walk away. We made a committment to each other that we will figure this world out together. 

12. Marriage is hard. Nobody tells you that. Sometimes, in fact, it really sucks. I couldn't and wouldn't do it with anyone else. Ever. No matter what. Ever. Really.  (Does that convey my thought?)

So that's my thoughts for now. More to come. 

I am reminded of a favorite phrase. In our bedroom, we have an engagement picture that was matted and signed by everyone at our wedding. My favorite signature is from Micah's college roommate

Brian who simply wrote "it was always going to happen." 

It was.

God planned it.

In spite of ourselves. 

We can't screw it up as long as we keep looking to Him.

Really, that's the only  self help advice anyone ever needs.

Know-it-all

According to him, my 9 year old knows everything. He is a self proclaimed expert on any subject at any time. Tallest building in the world? Easy, got it. Rules for obscure sport? Can give you the history and player stats as well. Weight of Jupiter every 32nd year when it aligns with Neptune? Off the top of his head answer.We joke with him about how his giant brain possibly fits in his head. He is nothing if not confident.

I remember being like that. I remember arguing with my second grade teacher about a hot air balloon that I was sure touched the sun. 

I remember going to medical school and having fellow students feel sure that they could diagnose and treat a patient better than a practicing physician.

I remember having my first child and 

(after past the shock of new motherhood) feeling sure I had it all figured out. I would never feed my kids McDonald's or stand for them

throwing that fit or expose them to any germs. 

The thing is, there is something to be said for confidence. Feeling sure of yourself allows for success. Life is full of knock downs and negativity so it's necessary to have  a self esteem that can handle it. 

But I realize that just when I think I know everything, everything changes. What I knew when I was a child seems silly. What I knew in my 20s seems naive. What I know now will be eclipsed as I live life.

The conflict arises when self awarded expertise takes importance over learning and opening up to new ideas and experiences. 

Pick any subject of passion-parenting, politics, (for me medicine)--and you will find people with tunnel vision. It's the "my way or the highway" thinking. " Look at the right way to do things and stop doing it so wrong." 

People forget to stop defending and start listening. We all have different strengths, different God given gifts. We aren't supposed to be experts or get it right all the time-we are meant to walk with God. Walk-implying moving forward, changing, not sitting in our same comfortable place. That walk necessitates learning-sometimes making mistakes, sometimes not knowing the answer, sometimes admitting we are wrong. 

So we keep  working with our children-walking the fine line between fostering their confidence and making them life long learners, open minded, big thinkers, and trying to lead by example. 

We continue on our walk and maybe we can learn as much from our 9 year old as we want him to learn from us.