Us vs them

I love when my boys make me think. On a regular basis, they ask a question or model my behavior or call me out in a way that makes me reflect and truly evaluate myself. What better accountability to my beliefs and values?

Today was a tough one that's got me thinking.

The scene-

The church we are attending in Norway is an international Baptist church. It is a small group that meets in a warehouse office building amidst car dealerships, but the message is in English and the pastor is big hearted.  We share God with a diverse group of people. There is a large proportion of the congregation that is Russian. In fact, the service is translated into Russian for those whose English isn't sufficient.  The boys have several school friends there and have made other friends. Ty has become good friends with one of the Russian boys.

The question-

We are leaving church today and Ty is particularly quiet. When I ask him what's going on he responds "Is Vlad going to be a bad guy when he grows up?" 

Whoa

Like most of the world, we have been following the news in Boston. He has unavoidably overheard the media and our conversations at home that have identified the bombers as brothers from Russia. And now he's worried about his best church friend.

The evaluation-

I can't blame him. I don't mean I question the "goodness" of  Vlad's family, but it must be incredibly confusing for a 7 year old.

On one hand we (being the bigger we of all /most parents) want to teach our kids to love and accept but yet they see us condemn, hate, and go to war with other countries. We want to teach them not to judge yet they see us pointing fingers at others that don't meet our standards. We teach them not to bully yet there are whole facebook pages that are shared making fun of those with different political views. We want to teach them to be respectful yet are often anything but. We want to teach them to be open minded yet we are close minded creatures of habit. 

How confusing. How is he supposed to love in a world that often emphasizes  hate and perpetuates stereotypes?

It's a double standard. We want (and expect) all these things for our children yet we model the "us vs them" mentality. 

We are good, they are bad. We are right, they are wrong. We are intelligent and rational decision makers, they are unstable and unpredictable.

We judge. 

Admittedly, my thoughts here are judgmental. In effect, I am judging the judgers. I don't make any excuses for it, I only seek to point out the reality. We are all guilty.

The thing is, we are comfort creatures. We know ourselves, our expectations, our actions. THEY are scary, different, foreign. 

The perspective-

But we are really aren't that different, are we? We are all God's children.

Focusing on generalizations, making political jokes at the expense of someone else's dignity, criticizing a person or situation we aren't familiar with ourselves teaches children to close themselves off with only like minded groups. There is no learning or growth without stepping out.

What we have to focus on teaching our children is to love-to love themselves, love God, and love God's world. We have teach by example and by experience. We have to look for opportunities to show our kids how to love when it's hardest and most difficult. And we have to be honest with them about the difficulty. We have to teach them to rely on God for that love. 

So we had a long talk with Tyler about how the bad guys in Boston happened to be Russian but that doesn't at all mean that Russian people are bad. We should take time to know each person for who they are and not where they came from or what they support. Vlad is not a bad guy. He is a friend. And we are lucky to have the opportunity to know him. We are blessed to love him as God first has loved us.

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." Mahatma Gandhi

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." 

Matthew 7:3-5

3 months in the tundra

Tundra: biome describing the Arctic area of Europe, Asia and North America where the ground is permanently frozen. 

That's where I live. 

Ok, to be fair, the tundra is actually only north of the Arctic Circle in northern Norway, Oslo is below it, so I don't exactly live IN the tundra specifically but my numb fingers and snow boots might say it's close enough.

So now we've survived here three months.  It's crazy to look back and see how much has happened in such a short time-what a whirlwind! 

I've seen more, cried more, learned more, held onto my boys more, been in awe more, been absolutely clueless more, been so proud more these past 90 days than ever before. Some experiences I knew to prepare for, others have hit me completely unexpectedly.  I've learned some lessons that, despite my lowest of the low moments, I would never change.  

My boys are strong. They are resilient and well adjusted. While I've worried and planned, they have just been little boys doing what little boys do. I absolutely love moments like watching Barrett play soccer with local boys on his team -communicating through high fives and cheers, Owen sledding over and over and laughing in the snow, Tyler picking up British English at school-saying things like "rubbish" and "just a bit" and studying spelling words like "fortnight" and "centre". Intrigued with history from WWII and naming capitals of countries I didn't even know existed, they are soaking up the world in unmatchable ways. They are loving people in a Godly way, not judging their differences, but learning who they are. 

I am a proud proud mama.

My marriage is strong. Micah and I have been through hard times in the past but these months have strengthened my love and faith in him. He has stepped up to love and support me as I've wobbled on shaky ground.   New job in a new world with new people in a new language, never ending and (occasionally) nonsensical logistics, wife and kids adjusting to change after change after change-he is holding it together (more than I can say for myself some days). Plus we've laughed----a lot---sometimes at ourselves, sometimes at the chaos, and sometimes in the middle of a breakdown. I love him. I love us. 

I'm a proud proud wife. 

 I am strong. That sounds somewhat egotistical even as I write it but it's something I have never really let myself feel before. I have come a long  long way from my first days of shock and fear. It hasn't been easy but I'm not overwhelmed every second now. I have found a routine. I can go to the grocery store and get gas and wash my car. I have made friends. I can understand most signs and pleasantries. I even got my first parking ticket! I am relaxing, adjusting, and trusting God. Most significantly, I am learning to accept myself as I am, as God sees me. My resume-education, experience, who I work with-doesn't matter. I am ME-weaknesses, bad days, uncertainties about the future-and all. I am enough for my family. I am enough for God. I am enough. 

I am a proud proud child of God.

So there it is. My reflection of this blur. And what is crazy is that I am still at base camp. My mountain still lies ahead. I've proved myself in this adrenaline driven beginning but I  have so far to go and so much more ground to cover. Take a breath. Say a prayer. Find confidence. 

I can do hard things. 

Crazy ways

Yesterday I had a smallish breakdown at the post office--no details needed by it was not my proudest moment. I left frustrated and angry. As the day went on (I let) those darks feelings grow. I cried, I complained, I wallowed in my own self pity. 

Now this wasn't all about the post office, mind you, but about my feelings and homesickness in general. 

Overall things are improving. I have a daily routine, new friends, little favorites. But you know when you have that small inkling of negativity that you just go wild and snowball? By the time I was ready to go to bed last night I was broken and defeated. 

I tossed and turned all night and this morning I woke up deciding I had to take back my peace. I refuse to let a little step backwards undo all of the forward progress and confidence that I'm building. I refuse to be bitter and resentful over something so insignificant.

So off we went back to the post office first thing today, even before I took the boys to school. I stepped up smiling to the same lady that caused me grief the day before and handed her my paperwork and money. I told her "I want to apologize for our misunderstanding yesterday. I am new here and learning and sometimes I get frustrated. I hope I have everything you need today." She smiling back and thanked me and apologized for not being more helpful.

and then the crazy part started...

 A man behind me stepped up and said "I overheard you. Are you having trouble with your Norwegian? Can I help?" It started a conversation and it turned out we have a mutual acquaintance through the church here. The post lady interrupted and asked if I really went to church (I told you it's not common.) " What do you do there? Why do you go? I want to learn about Christianity but I don't know how." 

We talked for a few more minutes and answered some things and told her some of the things God has shown me in my life (yes, this is all happening at the post office counter!) The man invited her to a Norwegian church and she was so excited!

God works in crazy crazy ways. It's not always the big kneeling moments in church or the quiet prayerful times, sometimes He speaks to you in the post office. "You are here for a purpose. Your helplessness and fear and anger lead to extraordinary moments if you will just swallow your pride, get over yourself and follow Me."

I'm not always obedient but today I was and God showed me the good that is waiting. It's those moments of clarity that recenter me.

 He found me.

 In the post office.

 Wow.

Today is a good day.

New parenting

As previously mentioned, I have read countless books on parenting, had endless discussions with family and friends about specific child issues, prayed daily for my children and myself as a mother, and struggled with Micah to do the best for our kids. So it's been of great interest to me to begin to learn the Norwegian ideas and culture of child rearing. Although we all have the same goals--raising happy and successful children--our methods are very different. A few of the big ones I've found---

1. Everybody's doing it

 Preschool (barnehage) is the norm here for children after 1 year. Norwegians typically consider it a necessity not only because most women work (due to high cost of living, great maternity benefits, and government subsidized  child care) but because it is a necessity for early socialization development. In talking with local parents and preschool directors, it is common thought that kids are missing out if they aren't in school. For me, one of the big ideas I had coming here was being able to be the mom at home with Owen that I wasn't able to be with the other 2 boys.  I had my older 2 boys while I was in medical residency. I spent many a 4am morning and overnight shifts at the hospital with nausea and pregnancy fatigue. I made it through 60hour + work weeks with the help for some amazing fellow residents and faculty. I was never able to go to the park or zoo in the middle of the day or enjoy library story times-I was looking forward to those moments. I am finding I am having to push against the cultural norm to have Owen at home and work a little harder than I expected to find playmates. Luckily, I am finding small group of similar international families who have navigated successfully the same path and are becoming a social network for us.

2.  Don't baby the babies

Winter weather in Norway is not for the weak. Despite freezing temperatures, ice, and snow Norwegians ski, bike, jog, and play outside like its a warm spring day. The same is expected of children. At preschools, the babies routinely nap in their strollers outside on the porch--there are no cribs inside. In fact, there is little inside because the children spend the majority of their day playing outside---hours in the snow. On the ski slopes,young kids are tumbling all around and parents watch from a distance as they pick themselves up. Even at restaurants, kids menus are usually the same fare as the adult options, just smaller portions. Drinks are served in (gasp!) glass glasses-without lids or straws. And the crazy thing is that kids seem to get along just fine. They learn their expectations and meet them happily.

3. Less is more

Comparitavely, life here is simple. Meals are basic, often bland. Clothing is functional. Stores have much fewer selections. Houses are smaller. Architecture is clean lined. This culture of simplicity carries over to kids. Toys R Us is a quarter of the size. School rooms are fairly bare except for wooden blocks, puzzles, Legos. Electronic and sound making toys are significantly fewer. There are no big bell and whistle attractions-no Chuck E Cheese or Main Event. Some of these observations are related to the emphasis on the outdoors, some is related to he higher cost of living and decreased disposable income of families, and some is related to the very strict laws regarding marketing to children. But some is just simply the simple culture of simplicity.

4. Independence Day

On any given school day, you can find elementary age children taking the train to school, a teacher with a group of 3 year olds wearing their yellow reflective vests walking down the street to play at the McDonald's playground, kids at recess in their school yard without a fence or gate separating them from the road. Kids are given freedoms here we would never ever consider in the US. I've found it a bit nerve racking and anxiety producing. 

5. Why can't we be friends

It's been a huge comfort that the boys' transition here was so easy. They were immediately  welcomed into their group of friends. They go to school with friends from around the world-literally-and the kids don't even seem to notice. The local norwegians in the neighborhood and on Barrett's football (soccer) team have made them a part of the group without question. They are more accepting and non judgmental then any group of children or adults I've ever met. 

I'm learning a lot here-some of which I like and some of which is not my favorite-but the Norwegian ideas produce content, independent, active, conforming people. Learning our differences and new viewpoints can only help strengthen the plans Micah and I have for our children. I remind myself daily to be open, welcoming new ideas, embracing our time and the culture here as Im able. God has a plan and I want to be able to receive it. I am thankful for the experience. 

Miles to go

Every so often,  I feel like I might be getting the hang of it. Nobody cries in the morning out the door, I find pop tarts at a grocery store, I parallel park successfully in the small icey spot, I run my treadmill 5k.

That's not today.

Today I feel like a disaster. 

I'm supposed to be filling out a preschool application due in 2 days in Norwegian. I have to list our top 5 choices of schools...none of which I've even seen. 

I drove to try to find a city office today for help....never found it (or parking for that matter) and then got completely lost. A poor policeman took pity on me when I got pulled over for driving the wrong way on a one way street (I thought the sign said no parking, not no driving).

I tried to go to a PTA meeting which turned out to be a group of very bitter moms complaining about teachers and the school. Then one of them asked me if Owen had a disability since I didn't have him in school. 

Church has not been successful. There is really only one English speaking church. I have really tried to go open mindedly but it just isn't right. The service lasts almost 2 hours and I don't think I am engaged enough to even focus on God's word. I'm trying to wrangle the kids (no children's church), follow liturgy, and honestly stay awake.

I miss my life. 

My friends. 

My church. 

My family. 

My job. 

My comfort.

Why am I here? I asked Micah that today. I'm not seeing a path or purpose. I have faith that God has a plan for me and I am spending more time with Him than ever before. I'm listening but I'm not hearing. I'm looking but I'm not seeing. I'm tired and worn down.

And maybe that's the point. 

We watched our church's message Sunday based on the story of the disciples rowing across the sea of Galilee in a terrible storm and Jesus walking on water to save them. But Jesus didn't save them right away. They struggled for hours before He stepped in. Pastor Mark pointed out that maybe that was to give the disciples the time necessary to realize they couldn't do it by themselves-without Him, they would fail. 

That piece particularly has stuck with me. 

Maybe that's where I am. Maybe I'm in the storm needing to give up on all the things that have always gotten me through- my pride, my control, my sheer determination, my bulletproof facade. 

Im watching as these pieces of myself fall away-and maybe they have needed to go for a while. Maybe they are making way for new opportunities to receive Gods love and faith. 

So today, I give up.

And tomorrow, I will put myself out there again. 

I have miles to go.....

Baby steps

So we've made it through our first full week in Oslo. Micah went to work, the boys went to school, and Owen and I ..... are figuring things out.

The vacation is over. It's real now.

It was so strange to come home Monday after taking the boys to school to a quiet house--our new house. 

I planned so much for the actual move--packing, the plane flight, all the logistics--but now here we are. This is it. (can you tell I'm freaking out a little bit?)

This is the part I couldn't really plan for, I just have to do. That's really scary for somebody who likes to be in control. This is new.

So after my initial shock, I sat down Monday in the middle of my boxes and mess to pray and write. I wrote a letter to God. Yes, that's a little strange but I just had all these thoughts and feelings and I needed to put them somewhere. I wrote about my fears, my weaknesses, my goals. I gave everything I had to Him and gave over my control--and worry.

And then I started my week. 

Very slowly.

 I drove to pick the boys up with white knuckles and breathed a huge sigh of relief when I saw them smiling at the end of their day. 

The next day I took the boys with me (as my crutch?) into the "mini" (small markets sort of like a 7-11). We bought milk and managed to pay and get home and I felt like I'd won a major prize!

By Wednesday  I ventured to the real grocery store. It helps when your 3 year old is singing and saying "hi" to every person we passed. They couldn't help but acknowledge me...and offer help on more than 1 occasion when I must have looked completely lost and clueless. (I mean, seriously, you can buy a lot of food based on the picture on the label, but sour cream? I would have ended up with cottage cheese unless I had asked.) 

By the end of week I had figured out how to find a children's store and buy a stroller, drive to pick up the boys without needing my gps for directions, and join the gym. I gotta say, I'm pretty darn proud of myself at this point. 

It's so funny that these simple errands are such a major undertaking. I get home completely exhausted! Baby steps...

Things are slowly getting easier and I hope will continue on that course. 

It's comforting knowing there is control and I don't have to have it myself. My confidence comes from my faith. 

My mom said something this week that continues to resonate with me. I have never been good at change. Maybe this is time God is giving to me to learn to be comfortable when I'm uncomfortable, to learn to give up my control a hundred times every day, and to learn to listen to Him.

Maybe I'm learning more than how to drive or pay at the store.

I'm hoping.

Next plans--include trying an English speaking service at church, meeting my first friend in Oslo for coffee (Owen's strep throat at least introduced me to a very nice pediatrician, Kristin, who called and offered to give me some local tips), and heading to the ski slopes with our new cross country skis in the evenings. 

All things I'm a little nervous about but all things that I will be very proud to accomplish!

Really hard

This is hard. Yes, I know all the good parts and am looking forward to a lot but right now it's really hard. 

So *warning*---this post isn't all roses and sunshine but neither is life and this is where I am. This is my attempt at finding some perspective today and keeping on going.

First, jet lag with a 3 year old sucks. Not even including the stomach bug we muscled through initially, it's hard to get on a new schedule eating and sleeping. Owen has been having the hardest time-expected I guess. We've been up until 3am and then he's been whiney and tired (and still getting over this virus) all day. Everything is shadowed exhaustion. I'm ready to have my happy baby back and find a new normal.

Second, we really don't have any idea what we are doing. It took us over and hour to find a restaurant yesterday and then it didn't take our American credit card. We had to call the landlord back over to teach us how to use the radiators and floor heaters-we couldn't even read the instruction manuals. We seem to get lost a lot driving, even with gps. The road system is not American intuitive so you can see where you want to go but actually getting there is way more complicated than you would think. Even the grocery store is hard. There is lots of salmon and caviar paste (what?!?) but finding lunch meat for sandwiches took a long time. And apparently you have to bring your own reusable bags or have the checkout guy look at you like you are sole reason for global warming when you ask for one plastic bag....and in English to boot!

Third, it's cold. Really cold. I know that's not unique to our experience here but it sure is a change for us running outside barefoot. I'm already tired of putting on layer after layer of clothes on the boys and wrestling them into their boots and mittens. I have already decided I need a bigger purse to hold everything they peel off and hand to me when we go inside somewhere. I see many a lost mitten and hat in our near future.

What I realize is that  I've never really considered what people go through moving to a new country. We had to get our visas today and spent a few hours at the Office of Foreign Service Workers. It sounds so strange to me to be considered an immigrant. My  stereotype doesn't  include "people like me". How narrow minded is that?!? 

We are the foreigners here and somehow I am to some extent still expecting people to cater to my American ideas and language and expectations. 

They don't have Hidden Valley Ranch dressing in the grocery store? What?!?

You want me to read and understand AND follow that street sign? Yeah right!

 My internet connection does not respond to a snap of my fingers? How dare they!

 Apparently, I am okay with living in a different country....as long as I can still live the exact same way..... Ummmmmm, so yeah, not really fair on my part. I've got some changes to make.  I've got a lot to learn and while I will definitely still be asking questions along the way, I need to adapt. 

I've never really truly given the same consideration and patience that I am

now hoping for from the locals here. I get frustrated when a driver doesn't follow the traffic flow-maybe it's her first time to drive in Houston. I get inpatient when I have to wait for a translator in talking to a patient's family-it's hard to learn a new language. I roll my eyes when someone stands too close to me in line or doesn't know how to go through a checkout line efficiently or didn't read the sign saying "credit card only lane"-I've never had to do it myself.

 It's really really hard. 

So, adapt I will ( keeping trying to) do and hopefully (very very soon) look back on these first days and laugh. 

And I (and importantly, my children) are learning a new tolerance, compassion and self esteem in learning the unknown. I have a whole new respect for the millions that have done this before.