Saying goodbye stinks

Tyler: "saying goodbye stinks."

I thought we were done with the hard goodbyes. Moving away from family and friends, last days, ending a chapter-we got through all of that already, right?

Except not.

Such is the life of an expat family at an international school. The population is transient-families moving on, leaving Norway, saying goodbye.

And it does stink.

Seriously.

Some  of the kids leaving are those that stepped up to welcome the boys in their first days here. They made them feel at home, like all of this chaos was going to be okay. They've accepted them and laughed and played and given them happiness. I'm a little attached (and grateful) to them myself. 

Saying goodbye is a life skill-one I've realized this week that I haven't really taught my boys. We teach them to say "please" and "thank you" and "I'm sorry" but not "goodbye." 

 I think it's because I don't like it myself. I like to wish away change, downplay the transitions, think of moving like "an extended vacation." There's no finality in that. There are no last words. But realistically, the boys are having to say goodbye to some friends that they probably won't ever see again. I have struggled to find the words to comfort them and hurt to see them sad. 

What I keep finding myself saying is this--

How blessed are you to have made such a good friend that you are sad to see him go. It was only a few months ago that you were scared and worried about fitting in. And now...what a good problem to have.  How lucky to have crossed paths with such special friends. Be grateful for your time together and what you learned from them. 

I remind them that they aren't the new kids anymore. New families will be moving in. Those kids will feel scared and overwhelmed. They won't know anybody or have any friends. The boys have the chance to treat the new additions with kindness and acceptance as they were treated. Make them feel welcome and happy. What an opportunity!

I don't know if they get it or if it helps. They're swimming in sadness right now. They need to be sad. They need to figure out how to deal with their emotions themselves. 

I can't do it for them.

I can only love them and encourage them. 

I can only listen and agree when they tell me in tears that saying goodbye stinks. 

Missing the little things

I had a conversation with a new-to-Norway family last weekend. In a time when I finally am starting to feel settled, it brought back a flood of emotions I went through those first few weeks. Most things I can proudly say I've figured out, other things I have found I love, and some things I have learned to just live with. I knew I would miss the big things-family, friends, our house, my job. What's funny is all the little things I took for granted. It never would have occurred to me that I would miss.....

1. Drive thrus- 

Oh the ease of McDonald's. Owen is asleep in the backseat, the boys don't have shoes on, it's raining, and I'm running late? No problem! No need to get out of the car for a quick meal or shot of coffee. Most of time here its just not worth the effort to find parking, skate in through the ice, and wait in line while you worry that maybe you didn't pay for enough parking time (see #4). So we end up skipping Mcdonalds. Is it healthier? Yes. Is it inconvenient? Absolutely.

2. Church- 

So I actually did know I would miss this one. How could I not? My favorite place in Houston, genuine people, friends that I've experienced life changing moments with. But my homesickness for Community of Faith is so prevalent that I just had to list it here. I won't rant about this one anymore here, but it's definitely what I miss the most. No question.

3. Flip flops-

 Ok I get it. Norwegians love the snow. If I hear "there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing" one more time I'm going to scream. I just want to run to my car or check the mail or pick the boys up and slip on one of my 100 pairs of flip flops. But alas, snow and rain boots have become my go-to option. Maybe it's time to downsize the open-toe collection...

4. Free parking-

I'm used to paying for parking at a ball game or a valet but at the grocery store? the gym? the neighborhood pizza place? Ridiculous! Add that to the stress of having to estimate how long your activity/errand will take so you pay for enough time. I sometimes find myself rushing to the car and calling to the loitering parking attendant that I still have 2 minutes on my ticket and I'm here! I've gotten behind once --- by less than 5 minutes --- and had to pay 760kroner ($130). 

5. Report cards- 

Don't get me wrong, I really love the boys' school and the fact that they are able to focus on learning and not busywork and tests. But as a parent, I have little to absolutely no idea how well they are doing in school. Who knew I relied on the performance based praise of my children's frequent report cards. I'm accepting that I have to focus on the fact that they are happy and excited about school and what they are learning. New concept!

6. Barnes &Noble-

I miss bookstores. Real life English bookstores. Stores here have maybe a shelf of English titles (or there is always amazon.) But nothing replaces browsing with a coffee in a quiet store while the boys play with Thomas the Train and find new reading.

7. Red lights-

Round-abouts are not my favorite. I've gotten pretty good since they are at every intersection, but I miss sitting at a red light and following calm traffic direction changes. There are rules of driving for the roundabouts but honestly people seem to just do whatever they want. It's a free-for-all, like a frogger game, jump in and go!

8. Nail salons- 

A favorite relaxation for me. I love to zone out with a bad year old celebrity magazine for an hour and walk away with pretty feet (see flip flops above). Nail salons are far and few between here (I don't actually know where any are). Even if there was one close, I'm sure I couldn't afford the $100+ cost.

9. Texas friendliness- 

Let me start by saying that Norwegians are very nice people. It has nothing to do with goodness, but the concept of smiling when you pass someone or holding a door open or even waiting in a line is lost here. When I make eye contact and say hi, people look at me like I'm crazy, or drunk, or just American. One old lady even yelled something at me in Norwegian when I helped her hold the door as she went through with her walker. Maybe I was trying to push her or steal something from her or take away her independence? No idea. 

10. Target-

Let's just close our eyes for a minute and enjoy the thought of the bright red doors, the dollar spot that has bins of items I didn't even know I needed, the stacks of perfectly arranged tshirts for $5 each in the right size. Oh, and we are out of milk? No problem. I'll just pick that up too. Sigh...oh, Target, my heart will always belong to you...

What I take from all of this is : 

Enjoy where you are, 

what's in front of you 

because the simple silly things are meaningful too. 

You may find yourself missing tomorrow something you roll your eyes at today. 

So next time you are frustrated at the busy Target parking lot or the long Starbucks drive through line or the never ending red light, take a minute and enjoy the luxury. Some of us would kill for a grande light white chocolate mocha right about now. 

My favorite day

Today was my most favorite day in Norway to date. I wanted to share...

This morning we had an impromptu breakfast outside with our Norwegian neighbors. We ate waffles with jam while the kids explored in the woods and jumped on the trampoline. It's really amazing how quickly things turned from bare branches and icey winter to bright green and beautiful blooming flowers. 

Then we rode our bicycles to a little island near us. The weather was sunny and warm-a very welcome change.

We spent the day at the beach. The big boys played on the rocks in the water. They collected oysters and clams and caught crabs. They scrambled in and out of the cold water and filled buckets with their finds.  They would deliver the full buckets to us and then sprint back out for more. Owen spent his day digging  in the sand and building "homes" for all the displaced creatures. 

I love watching them work together. I spend so much time refereeing battles, I relish the moments that they realize they actually like each other.

We were surrounded by Norwegians all doing the same thing and enjoying the day. Grilling, playing volleyball, building castles, watching the boats and cruise ships go by. People in the water kayaking, sailing, and a few brave swimmers.

This all sounds simple and ordinary, but that's the point.

It felt normal. It felt peaceful. It felt like home.

I think today is the first time I can say that. 

I'm a thinker. An analyzer. That's no secret. I am constantly trying to put my thoughts into perspective and find the deeper meaning. I don't often take things at face value. I journal a lot about finding my place here in this country and in the world. What is the purpose, God's plan? 

Those things are definitely important to me,  but I am the first to admit I can get lost in my own thoughts. I can overthink while life passes by. 

I lived the day today. I was a part of every sound, smell, sight. I felt the happiness of being with my sweet boys, I laughed with my husband, I laid in the sand and talked about what shapes the clouds were making. 

I let myself enjoy without any other thoughts or plans. God has made an amazing world and I don't often enough stop and just indulge in the miracle that is today. 

Today was my favorite day. 

Love or hate

We had a BBQ with some fellow American families last 

weekend. It was a fun time to share our experiences here, give each other advice, and commiserate....just a little. I'm not crazy...or alone!

You see, although I am absolutely totally loving living abroad and the adventure that comes with it, I'm not completely sold on Norway itself. (In Aggie terms, I would call myself a 2percenter). Much to the dismay of Micah, who is morphing into some kind of Bear Grylls outdoor freak, I'm not in love (yet). Micah loves can't get enough of the skiing, fishing, trail running, "granola" lifestyle. And while I definitely enjoy the beautiful landscape and sports, I get (just a bit) frustrated with some cultural aspects. I'm trying to stay open minded and reserving my opinion, but some days are tough.

Norwegian people "work to live". Sounds good in theory, right? Think some more....

That means that if (hypothetically) someone is repairing water damage in the garage apartment on your property, they will come to work for only 3 hours at a time, disappear for days on end, and take more smoke breaks than I thought humanly possible. Above repairs took 4 months to complete--true story! 

They have recently shut down our closest train station to do some work....through December of 2014! This is a small station and major form of transportation. What takes 20 months to complete? As I've asked around with neighbors nobody knows or has made any effort to find out. It's just closed.

There are still a lot of Mom-and-pop shops here. I drove and paid to park (as is the norm) and then walked with Owen (not the easiest of tasks) to one of my favorites the other day only to find that there was a hand written sign on the door saying "closed early". Not uncommon. People close their stores for days or months (supposedly in July) when it's not convenient to work. How does that make business sense? 

 

When I talked to the our property management company to ask some questions about when they would do some yard work, I was told they would start in May. Ummmm, yep, it's been May for 2 weeks now.  

When a grocery store clerk unexpectedly closed her line because her shift was over, the people who had been waiting  simply quietly moved to the back of another already long line. No complaints, no frustration.

Are you understanding  my challenge? I am, as most of us are, used to high speed, competitive, ambitious expectations. There is a culture of simplicity and generalized acceptance that goes against my grain. I just don't know if I have it in me. There is no rule explanation, no exceptions, no "let's figure something out together".  It just is what it is. 

There are times that 

I 

just 

want 

to 

scream

 (and maybe a few that I have).

But in my better moments I realize there is something to learn and be gained here.

Micah's schedule is really nice. Lots

Of holiday days, much shorter work days, less after hours work.  That means more time at home with the family.

There is much less emphasis on measurement standards for the boys. Worries about grades and standardized tests, ultra-competitive sports parents, concerns about what brand shoes we own are essentially non existent.

No comparing, no judgement.

We aren't over-stretched. I'm not always running late or multitasking in my head. I'm not running any races. I'm enjoying the day. 

Life is simpler. Life is slower. Our defenses are down.  We have family time to laugh (and argue--being honest), to spend outside, to focus on what really matters. 

Funny, the same things I hate are the things I love.

Us vs them

I love when my boys make me think. On a regular basis, they ask a question or model my behavior or call me out in a way that makes me reflect and truly evaluate myself. What better accountability to my beliefs and values?

Today was a tough one that's got me thinking.

The scene-

The church we are attending in Norway is an international Baptist church. It is a small group that meets in a warehouse office building amidst car dealerships, but the message is in English and the pastor is big hearted.  We share God with a diverse group of people. There is a large proportion of the congregation that is Russian. In fact, the service is translated into Russian for those whose English isn't sufficient.  The boys have several school friends there and have made other friends. Ty has become good friends with one of the Russian boys.

The question-

We are leaving church today and Ty is particularly quiet. When I ask him what's going on he responds "Is Vlad going to be a bad guy when he grows up?" 

Whoa

Like most of the world, we have been following the news in Boston. He has unavoidably overheard the media and our conversations at home that have identified the bombers as brothers from Russia. And now he's worried about his best church friend.

The evaluation-

I can't blame him. I don't mean I question the "goodness" of  Vlad's family, but it must be incredibly confusing for a 7 year old.

On one hand we (being the bigger we of all /most parents) want to teach our kids to love and accept but yet they see us condemn, hate, and go to war with other countries. We want to teach them not to judge yet they see us pointing fingers at others that don't meet our standards. We teach them not to bully yet there are whole facebook pages that are shared making fun of those with different political views. We want to teach them to be respectful yet are often anything but. We want to teach them to be open minded yet we are close minded creatures of habit. 

How confusing. How is he supposed to love in a world that often emphasizes  hate and perpetuates stereotypes?

It's a double standard. We want (and expect) all these things for our children yet we model the "us vs them" mentality. 

We are good, they are bad. We are right, they are wrong. We are intelligent and rational decision makers, they are unstable and unpredictable.

We judge. 

Admittedly, my thoughts here are judgmental. In effect, I am judging the judgers. I don't make any excuses for it, I only seek to point out the reality. We are all guilty.

The thing is, we are comfort creatures. We know ourselves, our expectations, our actions. THEY are scary, different, foreign. 

The perspective-

But we are really aren't that different, are we? We are all God's children.

Focusing on generalizations, making political jokes at the expense of someone else's dignity, criticizing a person or situation we aren't familiar with ourselves teaches children to close themselves off with only like minded groups. There is no learning or growth without stepping out.

What we have to focus on teaching our children is to love-to love themselves, love God, and love God's world. We have teach by example and by experience. We have to look for opportunities to show our kids how to love when it's hardest and most difficult. And we have to be honest with them about the difficulty. We have to teach them to rely on God for that love. 

So we had a long talk with Tyler about how the bad guys in Boston happened to be Russian but that doesn't at all mean that Russian people are bad. We should take time to know each person for who they are and not where they came from or what they support. Vlad is not a bad guy. He is a friend. And we are lucky to have the opportunity to know him. We are blessed to love him as God first has loved us.

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." Mahatma Gandhi

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King, Jr.

“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye." 

Matthew 7:3-5

3 months in the tundra

Tundra: biome describing the Arctic area of Europe, Asia and North America where the ground is permanently frozen. 

That's where I live. 

Ok, to be fair, the tundra is actually only north of the Arctic Circle in northern Norway, Oslo is below it, so I don't exactly live IN the tundra specifically but my numb fingers and snow boots might say it's close enough.

So now we've survived here three months.  It's crazy to look back and see how much has happened in such a short time-what a whirlwind! 

I've seen more, cried more, learned more, held onto my boys more, been in awe more, been absolutely clueless more, been so proud more these past 90 days than ever before. Some experiences I knew to prepare for, others have hit me completely unexpectedly.  I've learned some lessons that, despite my lowest of the low moments, I would never change.  

My boys are strong. They are resilient and well adjusted. While I've worried and planned, they have just been little boys doing what little boys do. I absolutely love moments like watching Barrett play soccer with local boys on his team -communicating through high fives and cheers, Owen sledding over and over and laughing in the snow, Tyler picking up British English at school-saying things like "rubbish" and "just a bit" and studying spelling words like "fortnight" and "centre". Intrigued with history from WWII and naming capitals of countries I didn't even know existed, they are soaking up the world in unmatchable ways. They are loving people in a Godly way, not judging their differences, but learning who they are. 

I am a proud proud mama.

My marriage is strong. Micah and I have been through hard times in the past but these months have strengthened my love and faith in him. He has stepped up to love and support me as I've wobbled on shaky ground.   New job in a new world with new people in a new language, never ending and (occasionally) nonsensical logistics, wife and kids adjusting to change after change after change-he is holding it together (more than I can say for myself some days). Plus we've laughed----a lot---sometimes at ourselves, sometimes at the chaos, and sometimes in the middle of a breakdown. I love him. I love us. 

I'm a proud proud wife. 

 I am strong. That sounds somewhat egotistical even as I write it but it's something I have never really let myself feel before. I have come a long  long way from my first days of shock and fear. It hasn't been easy but I'm not overwhelmed every second now. I have found a routine. I can go to the grocery store and get gas and wash my car. I have made friends. I can understand most signs and pleasantries. I even got my first parking ticket! I am relaxing, adjusting, and trusting God. Most significantly, I am learning to accept myself as I am, as God sees me. My resume-education, experience, who I work with-doesn't matter. I am ME-weaknesses, bad days, uncertainties about the future-and all. I am enough for my family. I am enough for God. I am enough. 

I am a proud proud child of God.

So there it is. My reflection of this blur. And what is crazy is that I am still at base camp. My mountain still lies ahead. I've proved myself in this adrenaline driven beginning but I  have so far to go and so much more ground to cover. Take a breath. Say a prayer. Find confidence. 

I can do hard things. 

Crazy ways

Yesterday I had a smallish breakdown at the post office--no details needed by it was not my proudest moment. I left frustrated and angry. As the day went on (I let) those darks feelings grow. I cried, I complained, I wallowed in my own self pity. 

Now this wasn't all about the post office, mind you, but about my feelings and homesickness in general. 

Overall things are improving. I have a daily routine, new friends, little favorites. But you know when you have that small inkling of negativity that you just go wild and snowball? By the time I was ready to go to bed last night I was broken and defeated. 

I tossed and turned all night and this morning I woke up deciding I had to take back my peace. I refuse to let a little step backwards undo all of the forward progress and confidence that I'm building. I refuse to be bitter and resentful over something so insignificant.

So off we went back to the post office first thing today, even before I took the boys to school. I stepped up smiling to the same lady that caused me grief the day before and handed her my paperwork and money. I told her "I want to apologize for our misunderstanding yesterday. I am new here and learning and sometimes I get frustrated. I hope I have everything you need today." She smiling back and thanked me and apologized for not being more helpful.

and then the crazy part started...

 A man behind me stepped up and said "I overheard you. Are you having trouble with your Norwegian? Can I help?" It started a conversation and it turned out we have a mutual acquaintance through the church here. The post lady interrupted and asked if I really went to church (I told you it's not common.) " What do you do there? Why do you go? I want to learn about Christianity but I don't know how." 

We talked for a few more minutes and answered some things and told her some of the things God has shown me in my life (yes, this is all happening at the post office counter!) The man invited her to a Norwegian church and she was so excited!

God works in crazy crazy ways. It's not always the big kneeling moments in church or the quiet prayerful times, sometimes He speaks to you in the post office. "You are here for a purpose. Your helplessness and fear and anger lead to extraordinary moments if you will just swallow your pride, get over yourself and follow Me."

I'm not always obedient but today I was and God showed me the good that is waiting. It's those moments of clarity that recenter me.

 He found me.

 In the post office.

 Wow.

Today is a good day.